There was a bonfire here again the other night
for about 15 fifteen year olds.
Because we live “out in the sticks”
our teens can’t easily congregate on someones stoop, or meet at the movie theatre
or down at the local park
or out in the street for a game of stickball or baseball,etc.
So I don’t mind when my son asks..
“can I have a bonfire tonight and invite a bunch of kids over?”
Now that the kids are in High School
I don’t know every single one… they are divided between the private HS
and the public, but co-mingle often, which I think is terrific.
When one dad who I have never met showed up to drop his daughter off,
I was waiting at the side door gate to greet them as they came.
I wanted the parents to know my husband and I were home and
would be keeping an eye on the group at the bonfire.
This particular Dad came up to me after driving up the driveway to the bonfire..
(it’s up on the hill)
… “why so far away from the house??”
I said.. ” that’s where we put our fire pit. It’s a clear view from here though,
we can see that the fire is under control and can keep an eye on the kids
from a distance. We will also go up to check on them here and there. ”
I joked that the firepit used to be right out the back door
but the kids wanted it more than 15 feet from the living room couch.
He said
“I don’t give a sh*t what the kids want, who’s the boss.. you or them?”…..
I assured him we’ve done this before and it went very well.
He shook his head and left after complaining
to one more mom as she arrived.
He could have taken his daughter home,
I would have been OK with that.
But it made me think.
How much trust is OK to give your teenager?
By the age of “almost sixteen”
I got myself to school and home on a city bus,
met my friends at a city park often to “hang out”,
had a waitressing job at a catering hall
that sometimes wasn’t over until 1 or 2am.
I also worked at the city zoo running the pony track.
I alone was responsible for tacking up a couple of ponies
and keeping other people’s kids safe and entertained.
And we didn’t have cell phones then either.
Mom had to trust in where I was.
And I survived. We all did.
Did we make mistakes?
Hell yeah.
In some ways I think we are “making” our teens younger
and less responsible as things are now.
In other ways I realize they have access to so many more
harmful things. So many more options with modern technology.
But they alsodon’t have as much to do.
You might not agree with me, and that’s OK.
Did the Dad have a right to be concerned for his daughter’s safety?
Absolutely.
Do I still think it’s acceptable to let a bunch of kids who
are almost driving age sit up on the hill around a bonfire
behind my house
and figure a few things out for themselves?
Without a doubt.
And I know mistakes will be made…
Mistakes… Life Lessons…
hopefully not the worst kind…
but also…there’s gotta be a little trust.
And some expectations.
Well, the good news is he brought his daughter and let her stay but the bad news is why he has to act the way he does. I am sure she pays a price for everything she gets to do…
I am glad that young girl got a chance to let her hair down, without her crabby Dad around. Sounds like good clean fun to me!
Looking at your lovely pics of the proximity of the fire pit to your house, I would have to say he seems to be an overly-anxious father. It must be stifling for the poor girl. I'd have been happy for my fifteen year old daughter to be there (and I am sure so would she, it looks idyllic).
We always figured that you have to give them a bigger and bigger playpen until eventually they are out of the house and on their own…you can't keep them totally bottled up until they're "of age!" Knowing how big the playpen, of course, is sometimes tricky and yup, we all make mistakes. I think giving them a place to hang out is wonderful and a bonfire! Icing on the cake!
Yeah, why didn't he just take his daughter home then, if he was so worried? I'm so sorry he acted like that.
I think you know how you've raised your kids and have to be confident in that. We never really had curfew or anything, because Mom & Dad knew how they raised us, expected us to be honest with them and we were. They knew where we were at, who was probably going to be there…and they trusted us, they trusted us to make the right choices and knew we would probably make a few goofs along the way.
If the kids were 8, I might agree that "you are the boss of them and the pit should be outside the door". But at 15, they need to feel they have some privacy; AND as you said, you can see it from the house. I think you did fine; and it's wonderful that your child feels good enough about homelife and mom and dad to invite friends over.
theres gotta be a whole lot of trust
Poor girl must be totally embarrassed to have her father speak that way. I wouldn't want a fire pit too close to the house either…. I think he could have handled it differently.
raising kids is the hardest thing i've ever done. now that they are 20 and 23, some things are easier, but to a degree we are still "raising" them…..
who knows what that dad was thinking….maybe his niece got into trouble at 15 and he thinks the same thing will happen to his daughter. maybe he watches too much law and order special victims unit.
whatever the case, he could have been nicer to you with his words and his attitude.
personally, i would have been thrilled to have been able to drop my kids off at a bonfire at the house where parents would be around….because that's my kind of the right teenage entertainment !!
Yes, what I fear the most in this situation is the message the man's daughter hears… "I'm not trustworthy." My own mom was so overprotective that her inability to let me make choices and take responsibility for those choices, became my inability later on to make choices… I was completely unprepared for decision making and consequences in college.
Glad the girl got to stay and that you are providing the place for those kids to gather and choose their paths!
What a grump – don't give him a second thought!
I could have written Vicky's comment, word for word.
You handled it beautifully, Karen.
Our kids are 32, 27 and 11! Each one is different. I could understand his concern if the kids weren't where you could see them off in the woods. For some it's just hard to trust. Maybe he had older kids. My husband is way more protective of our 11 year old because he knows how much trouble the can get into. However our younger one is more cautious than our oldest who truly lived live by the seat of her pants until she turned 30. You are right…Dad should have talked to you in private or at least where she couldn't hear him. I wish I lived near I would let my kids come to your house…sounds like y'all have a good grip on things.
What a great way for those kids to spend an evening. I'd rather have them doing something like that rather than "hanging out" at a mall or walking around town with nothing much to do. You can't please everyone but I hope they all had lots of fun.
Not the most friendly and polite person. What about: "thanks for having my daughter over for a fun bonfire. I trust she'll be returned in good order" ???
On the other hand, there are lots of children with more freedom than they can handle in the world.
But you've brought up two great persons (if we can believe everything you say on your blog, and I believe we can ;-)), so I'd trust you with my children (if I had them). I'd even trust you with my animals. Now, that says something!
Wow, I'm kind of shocked at the way he handled things, and I'm betting that either he was wild as a teenager, or he is teaching his daughter to go wild when she leaves for college by being too strict! I always gave my children the benefit of the doubt, allowed them to make good decisions, and never assumed they would make bad ones just because I wasn't right beside them. Like you said, kids need to learn responsibility, to handle themselves in all kinds of situations, because one day they will be alone in the big wide world.
We have a cabin in the woods, and on a farm where we don't live, and we still allow my son and his friends to go spend the night there alone. They've been doing this since they were 17, and they are now 19. If you teach your children morals, have high expectations, and give them love and trust, I think they are far less likely to be the child with alcohol poisoning during their first week at college. But hey, that's just my way of thinking, and I've been fortunate to have wonderful kids who have never given me a reason to doubt their ability to make good decisions, with or without me!
Kat 🙂
Wow, I was surprised at his comments. Really?? The kids are out at someone's house sitting around a fire and he feels the need to be worried? And I'm guessing that since they aren't driving yet that the parents will be picking them up…
My kids are both in college now. When they are living at home and going out, I tell them, "be good and be careful." Really, the rest is up to them. I trust them that they'll make good decisions, but also know that they are old enough to make those decisions on their own.
I would have loved if my kids had the opportunity to hang out in someone's field around a fire.
Pam
that guy was a sh*t! yeah, take your daughter home, buddy, and don't come back, thanks!
Poor kid, she's grown up with that negativity. It's too late if you wait until 15 to teach responsibilty. Love the fire pit on the hill, your son feels the strength of a family that supports him, all he has to do is look over his shoulder…
Oh my gosh! That man immediately got under MY skin and I'm not involved!
I soooooo remember how certain parents would do the should-woulda-coulda with some of us and I was always amazed at the steel cajones some of them had to pass judgment on others of us. Grr and arg I say.
Cheerful and stupid I always strive for.
I love how you handled it.
Again, grr and arg.
sounds like the dad has the issues , our boys are only 10 and 3 so not really had to deal with that type of issue yet! Ive never met you bit you seem very trust worthy people to me
So nicely said and written. I think you handled the situation perfectly!
It also says a lot that your kids WANT to hang out at home with their friends and that y'all let them. Looks like a great evening!
They can make plenty of mistakes, with or without supervision, but I'll take supervised, any day! Won't be long until they are driving and have, not only freedom, but a much greater risk of hurting themselves… or others on the road. I think you are doing it just right!
Golly Gee! Whatever happened to, "Thanks, folks for having all these kids at your place, hosting a bonfire and staying home to keep an eye on things."
I wasn't a guest there, but I'll say "Thanks" anyway because it's mighty nice of you parents to do these things for your kids : )
Well I hope this isn't a duplicate post from me. The first didn't "take".
Anyway – that's ridiculous! What a L.O.S.E.R.
I think parents should be concerned about where there kids are, but he was just plain RUDE!
I agree you handled the situation well–dealing with such a jerk!
My son is in his late 20's and loves bonfires. We'll be having one at daughter's farm later in the month for his birthday. My SIL suggested a pig roast too–I'll let him handle that!
Yep, unfortunately there is always some crab apple to deal with…but you as gracious as always, handled it perfectly!!
After "Mr. Sunshine" said "I don't give a sh*t what the kids want, who's the boss.. you or them?"… Don't you wish you said "if you're not comfortable, you don't have to leave your daughter at my home."
he is freaking lucky that you and your husband 'host' all these kids. and yes, you are right…..you have to let them go, if you brought them up well, and they are good kids, they will make mistakes, and still have happy lives, and isn't that what we all want anyway?
He lives under a rock.
You handled it much more graciously than I would have. I think I would have said if you aren't comfortable, then you do not have to leave your daughter here. Jerk. Mr Sunshine should have been thanking his lucky stars that his daughter has a friend in your son…AND that you and your husband were home to supervise!
What you're saying is well thought out… but I can't say I completely agree. I think this father was probably concerned about boys & girls in the dark for a few hours, nowhere near adults, a couple of them possibly going behind a tree further from the rest of the group & doing who-knows-what. Or discreetly passing around some liquor while the adults aren't around. Things that overtrusting parents wouldn't think of are definitely possible in that situation. We all want to think the best of our children, but at 15, teens have racing hormones that can severely interfere with their decision-making skills, no matter how well they are brought up. When it comes to teens, I would rather protect mine from a possibly very bad mistake (& all the things that could come with it – STD, pregnancy…) than trust in their hormone-influenced choices, no matter how many talks we have about making the right choices. They can still have a job, have lots of responsibilities, they're not going to be overprotected… it just means they're also well monitored & the opportunity doesn't arise for some very bad situations.
Reading this post, I couldn't help but compare it to when I was growing up. It was a small town in Idaho, I had a very nice guy friend with very nice parents who let groups of 15 or 20 teens hang out at their house, all while his parents would be there to check in on us from time to time. I went to maybe 2 or 3 of these get-togethers & everytime I heard about a girl sneaking off with a guy outside & having sex or some other thing! These were kids with parents who definitely trusted them. A little too much. Personally I was lucky enough not to make those poor choices because for one, I was terrified of getting an STD especially AIDS with all the AIDS talk in the early 90s, & also I didn't want any nasty rumors floating around about me.
I hope no one is offended, these are just my opinions. And also I think that father could have worded his thoughts a lot better. 🙂
~ Anna
poor puppy
i like this site,
http://healthypets.mercola.com/sites/healthypets/archive/2010/10/07/sarcoptic-mange-and-demodectic-mange-in-pet-dogs.aspx
she is really fantastic,
She says omega 3's are good.
my prayers for poor puppy from Australia.
I think if that man doesn't give up his strangle hold on his daughter, she'll be one who rebels quite enthusiastically and, hopefully, lives to regret it.
As for his language…that tells me more about him than I care to know. I'm not above spouting out a curse word, now and again, but not when I'm meeting new people and certainly don't criticize or call into question their way of doing things, even if I don't agree.
If he felt that strongly about "things", he should have taken his daughter and left, keeping his mouth s.h.u.t.
But, I'm preaching to the choir, aren't I? -LOL-
Karen,
Sounds as if that dad has issues that have nothing to do with you. I think you are correct about how to raise them. I can't stand helicopter parents. Hate hovering. I was a single mom and worked out of town. If my kids forgot something, they quickly learned to be more responsible.
pooey on that grouch of a dad!
xo, Cheryl
That dad was rude…not other words for it…There are better ways to have a discussion…If he felt that way he shouldn't have left his daughter. There, I got that off my chest! It is not easy raising teens these days…always balancing safety and independence.