The Tides

I remember as if it were yesterday….
waiting on the front stoop…
listening for the jingle of keys…
hoping for the chance to hop in the car with him to go get gas at the station,
or a gallon of milk and a carton of cigarettes at Buds Deli
on the corner of Maine and Manor,
or epoxy glue and more balsa wood
for his model planes at Reimans Hardware.
And….. I remember, as if it were yesterday..
 the long silences in the middle years…
the distance between us and the anger…. always the anger.
His and mine.
The years roll on
as they always do.
I’ve matured.
He’s aged.
OK  -I’ve aged too, just hush.
 As I mature, I see that sometimes..
it’s just as well to let sleeping dogs lie.
There aren’t always answers to the “whys”…
and we don’t always really need them.
Sometimes there just isn’t an answer.
But there can be a solution
if you ..just..let..it..go.  
It’s enough to just be in the present.
To enjoy the moments of what is..
not what was or could have been.
But I do wonder…
just in what particular moment….
When exactly was it…

 that I started worrying when he
arrived later than he was supposed to…
…When he didn’t answer the phone all day…
…When the road conditions were iffy..
…the footing slippery..
…the refrigerator too empty…
..the pills not remembered…
When did the Tides turn?

32 thoughts on “The Tides”

  1. Just be thankful you still have him. I never allowed those sleeping dogs, to lay quietly. It was always on my mind. I tried, but found it impossible. Oh… the regrets.

  5. Oh my how this post has touched my heart. I am feeling a lot of these feelings myself. It is so hard to see our parents age. Karen, this is so beautifully written. Thank you.

  12. Beautiful post, Karen.
    My Dad and I had a relationship like that my whole life, always head to head.
    I always said I would never miss him, but he died in 2005, and I do miss him, a lot.
    Love him while you can, and put your differences aside.
    They don't matter, really.

  15. It was this way for my momma and myself. She died in 2005 and even though some of the malignancy lingers in our family, I have good memories of her.

    One of my coping things has always been to be a better parent myself. So far so good, but I'm certain there will be 'something' that isn't totally as it could have been.

    Beautiful post!

  16. It just arrives on our doorstep one day, these problems that cannot be solved but only lived. Their memories fade and ours get stronger, searching for the good ones to erase the bad. Sending a hug and a prayer…

  18. Beautiful, thought provoking….I think your thoughts belong to most of us…all I will say is, let it go, cherish the now,……with both my folks gone…well, I think you should go give ole dad a big hug….just saying.

  19. I've read this three times, and likely will read it many more times. Your words and the photography is exquisite. The last one of the leaves is my favorite. Thank you so very much for sharing. It's so nice to see how other people "really" tick. What is in their hearts. This post, dear friend, made you shine in such a beautiful and heartfelt way. I'd love to see many, many more like this.
    Brenda

  20. Beautifully written….it made me miss my parents who didn't live long enough for these tides to change in my life….it is wise to enjoy the present to the fullest.

  21. Every single minute is another chance to get it right. In the end my Dad and I ran out of those minutes. We loved and fought passionately my whole life. What I wouldn't give for a few more chances to do both again( as my blue eyes fill with tears).

  22. Karen,
    WOW. what a post.
    I know…the child becomes the parent. When I had a huge scene with my Dad because he didn't call me to tell me about taking my mother to the emergency room I said "try to remember when you were the son and your mother was getting older and how upset you would be if she didnt' tell you." that seemed to help.
    xo, Cheryl

  23. The tides do turn don't they? I'm sure it happens slowly but we just realize it suddenly. Then we find ourselves parenting children and parents at the same time. I'm so thankful that we built a house for my inlaws next door. When then need us, we are right here.

  25. It turned, and that's what matters most at this moment in time.

    Beautifully written, and illustrated with your awesome photography skills.

  26. Your words and photographs are beautiful Karen…I'm really noticing your details now in your photos!

  27. I think the tides turned when you realized that life in not eternal here on this earth…and promises are not always kept by those we love…and that life is not always what we want it to be..and that every human has their downfallings and anyone outside of God always lets us down on some level. And, guess what, that tide turned while he is still here with you..and it is NEVER too late to make amends..even if it is just a hand on the shoulder that means I love you….because sometimes it is too hard to say what we really feel~ Blessings- Diana

  28. oh karen….i think you said it perfectly in regards to just being in the present.

    letting bygones be bygones and questions without answers go, is always a good thing. especially when it comes to our parents,

    both of my parents are still very much in my life and you've made me appreciate them even more than i already do. at 70 and 71 they are still willing to give up everything if i need something.

    give your dad a big old bear hug 🙂
    xo

  31. Fabulous post! My parent's are both alive and at 84, Daddy is still the elected Board of Supervisors representative for his country district. Mom isn't as active a volunteer but still gets around. I'm blessed to have them both, healthy and well, for the most part.

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