I don’t watch a lot of TV, but in the winter months when the light fades early and we’re inside more than outside, we like to unwind in front of the tube. Two things amaze me (and piss me off)… Sometimes the commercial breaks are so long you forget what you were watching. Then there’s the fact that you pay for 600 channels and there are only about five stations that actually have quality viewing. The rest is just crap. I love the history channel, Discovery Channel, CNN before the Orange Scream came along, a few series have caught our attention over the years – The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Poldark to name a few…. and there’s the sports package for the Mr.
Anyway… Dr. Phil. Occasionally I tune in, when his guests aren’t the Jerry Springer type. I often wonder why they load so much makeup on that mans head, he looks like he’s been dipped in the stuff. You’d think in this day and age they could figure out the stage makeup and make it look a little more natural. His show is also obviously an infomercial for his and his wife Robin’s many products, but that’s to be expected. Speaking of which, where did half of her go?… She’s a good example of a beautiful woman who let weight loss goals take away some of her natural beauty. Angelina Jolie.. another case in point.
So Dr. Phil… recently there was a mother/daughter situation where the young adult daughter wanted help for a better relationship with her mom. The mother was a real hardass, apparently had been abused as a child herself and abused her children physically in return as she raised them. She is an adult movie performer and is raising yet another child, whom she says she’s doing a much better job with now that she has “grown up”. The daughter is angry for all she’s been put through, and wants her mom to apologize and to be a more supportive -mom-. While the mom comes off as a cocky b*tch during the entire interview, she also apologizes repeatedly and doesn’t deny the abuse. Because of her tough attitude, though, the apologizing doesn’t seem sincere. The daughter is clearly struggling and after an exhausting back and forth and many interjections by Dr. Phil, he shuts the whole thing down and says (this is not word for word, it’s the jist)
Look, it comes down to this. What is it that you want from your mother so that you can move on. She had no answer for him. He asked the question repeatedly but neither the mother or the daughter had any answers to the question. It was pretty clear the relationship wasn’t going to change.
He then said to the daughter…. This is what I want for you. I want you to build relationships with quality people who want to be in your life, who are worthy of your trust, who will support your positive goals in life. You’re looking for something from your mother that she doesn’t have to give. If you came into my office and asked me if you can please have a zebra, I don’t have one to give you, it’s that simple. You are looking for something to come from your mother that she does not have to give. You will always, always and forever struggle with this relationship if you keep looking for something that isn’t there. You need to accept it for what it is and move on.
How many people can relate to that simple truth? Boy, did it strike a chord with me. I’ve talked a little about my relationship with my father in this space before, and to be clear, I did not suffer the kind of abuse the woman in this story had. Ours has been an emotional struggle… but the bottom line in his advice is so spot on. Part of my anger toward my father has been that he was not what I wanted him to be as a Dad. That’s not necessarily a fair request, because he can only be what he is. At times he did try in the ways he knew how, it’s that simple. What I’ve been looking for is not coming, I’m angry at him for something he’s not even aware of. In order to find peace of mind, I have to grant it to myself. Accepting that simple piece of advice above is the most important part of the equation.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s still hard for me to visit the nursing home and do the grocery shopping and get him the things he needs because that little disappointed and resentful part of me still tugs at the edges. As I grow older and he just grows old I’m slowly figuring out how to release the expectations of that little girl, the teenager, the young woman who wanted the Hero figure. He did what he could with what he had, and that’s the truth.
He had his 80th birthday a few weeks ago. I decided a party was in order, something I have never done for him before. I know that sounds harsh, but it was a result of the nature of our non-relationship, those resentments. I got in touch with some of his old boating friends and some folks he worked with before retiring. They were happy to meet us at his old haunt, a local eatery and pub nearby. He didn’t know they would all be there. I picked him up at the home and we drove down the Boston Post Road instead of taking the highway so he could view all the Christmas lights. He was like a little kid, admiring some of the big lighted trees in the town greens we passed. I was amazed that he noticed them at all. Then I remembered some of the decorating he did when I was a young girl and he still lived -home-. I also remembered the drives he took us on in our neighborhood to see the lights of Christmas. He wasn’t always gone. He did what he could in the ways he was capable.
So we walked into the dining area where a large table had been set up for our party, and the look of surprise and delight on his face when he saw those old friends and some family brought tears to MY eyes. Tears of happiness… for him. It was also obvious these people cared about him. He had forged some meaningful relationships, whatever they may have been.
On that night…some of the baggage I have been carrying around for all these years was left on that restaurant floor. I’m not going back for it either.