You all know I’m opinionated and vocal about it if you’ve been reading here for a while. I’m getting tired of it. Quite frankly, it’s not good for me. The experience with my father that has me dismantling his previous life has put me on edge in a way that isn’t healthy for anyone. I’ve been at odds with my mother on a few things relating to my dad, my husband for the same reason, The lawyer I thought I should use for Title 19 issues then realized that was so unnecessary for a heck of a lot of money – My kids are just there and are probably feeling my frustrations as well, although they have nothing to do with it really. I took one of my dogs for a walk last night to unwind and I found myself snapping at him just a little too sharply when he strayed too far up the trail. Like maybe five feet too far. *SNAP.
That’s when I said… Whoa. Who is this. What are you doing here, Karen. Is this how you want to be? Is this what you want to feel every waking moment? Life is too short. LET. IT. GO. And what are you holding on to, exactly…. do you even know? How often have we all heard that simple concept. Let It Go.
Even though I said those things to myself last night…. I again found myself aggravated this morning about something that’s not all that important in the grand scheme of things. And to be honest.. I was just about to type the offense and my defense at the unjust behavior here in this post. But again… it really does come back to… do I want to feel this way? These things are gonna happen in life… it is what it is. People have issues, people struggle. They react because of their own baggage, usually has nothing to do with those they react to unjustly, Do I let it consume me or do I LET IT GO.
Hard, hard thing… this kind of change, and yet it seems like it should just be so simple.
So here I go again… I’m going to try like hell to Let It Go.. and just be and do and see and hear and BREATHE. Maybe -feel- with a little less hurt and a little more empathy.
Speaking of which – Update on my Dad – he is settling in at the nursing home – a good and upbeat one by most standards. He is subdued, and sits most hours of the day in his lounge chair stairing at the TV in a dark room. We introduced him to a few very nice men who live at the same facility. He has yet to reach out, but he might at some point. He has a beautiful window that he keeps drawn closed. My hope is that he finally learns to reach out and expand his life to include others in a way that will enrich his own. Is it the ending to a life story he would choose? No. But he steered the ship to where it landed and I’m doing the best I can to make his ship-ashore experience a comfortable one. Although our relationship was a strained one, it really does feel good to do right by someone, for no other reason than to know that you are showing some mercy, compassion,, doing some good.
I think.. I hope.. I actually pray… that I am finding my way there. Suddenly it feels like it. Thank you for all your kind words. I so appreciate each of your perspectives. We all live a similar and yet different experience coming from all different places and sharing those things opens us up to a bigger perception. Amen.
