Bravo, Rob Delaney

 I am no fan of celebrity nonsense, such as Jersey Shore trash, most of reality TV and especially the Kardashian craze, which bewilders me completely, because … what have they done for ANYONE lately. Or ever? …. Why are they so fantabulous in the American eye.  Why do we give them such a platform?  It’s embarassing to me that this is part of the face of America…and don’t fool yourself by thinking any differently. It’s sad, people.  When are we all going to rise above and end this crap for good?  It’s easy enough, just don’t watch it!  If you’re actually a fan, can you please tell me why?  No sarcasm intended, here… I really want to know.   

 I read this guy’s article this morning and I’m reposting here, just because he hits the nail on the head. I hope he follows through.  I did clean it up some, because he’s a bit more vulgar than I care to post here.

Take a Stroll… with Rob Delaney –
I Am Suing Kim Kardashian

I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

HOW I IMAGINE THEIR “WEDDING” WAS PITCHED:

“I know! We’ll have Kim get married! It’ll be a ratings bonanza! We’ll bludgeon the populace with billboards and commercials, build it up across our 14 execrable spinoffs, hire some psychologists to help Kim and Kompany approximate the appearance of human emotion as they navigate the wedding preparation, split the actual wedding over two interminable episodes—even accompany them on the honeymoon! And the best part is, it doesn’t even have to be real! We’ll have Kris (Humphries, not Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom (though having her marry her own mom once ratings start to slide IS a great idea!!!)) sign a pre-nup that is also a non-disclosure agreement AND a waiver stating that if he even talks in his sleep about the “marriage’s” details, he’ll be beaten, drugged, and given a facelift from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner, and then forced to walk the Earth terrifying children and animals for eternity.”

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAGAZINE COVER OF ALL TIME

Ryan Seacrest is the executive producer of the 22 existing Kardashian programs. Please revel in this amazing quote from him, which recently appeared on the cover of PRODUCED BY magazine, the official magazine of the highly principled and ever-honest Producers Guild of America:

WHAAAAAAAT?! A lot of people toss the word “irony” around without really knowing its precise definition. This quote, from this person, is its precise definition. William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER

I digress. I guess I’m just nervous because I’ve never sued anyone before, and this is not a joke. I AM suing Kim Kardashian and the others mentioned above. It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.

Also, quitting your marriage now is a rather public admission that you are very, very bad at the job you were hired to do. I will be surprised if the venerable fashion house Sears renews your “design” contract.

I don’t mind that Kim Kardashian got married. I don’t mind that she did it on TV.   I a little bit mind that, as a non-viewer of any of the 61 Kardashian programs, I had to see the billboards every day as I drove to work. But I could forgive that if Kim gave her marriage a real go. I’ve been married for five years. To the same woman. I’ve wanted to divorce her at times. She’s wanted to divorce me at times. But one great thing about marriage, when it’s entered by regular folks, in good faith, is that it’s hard to exit. It costs money. You have to talk to lawyers during business hours except whoops—you have a job that you need to earn money to buy food and pants—so when are you going to both take the time to do that? By the time you’d have gotten around to it, you’ve forgiven each other and maybe even reached a new appreciation for each other as you worked through whatever seemingly insurmountable problem made you hate each other for 20 minutes while you sat in your shitty car outside a CVS yelling at each other and crying. Because guess what, Kim? That’s a huge ingredient in a SUCCESSFUL marriage. Sometimes it sucks.  When you relax, however, and remember that you’re a bigger a** than they are, with enough neuroses and calcified bad habits to warrant their own card catalog, you realize that they’re struggling through life’s storm just like you.

KIM KARDASHIAN, I WANT THIS FOR YOU. I don’t hate you. I hate your shows. I hate that I know who you are. But I could move to Patagonia or New Guinea and escape you if I wasn’t as willingly bound up in our terrifying modern consumer culture as you are. I know that under your unnecessary inch of makeup and Kevlar sheath dress is a heart that yearns for true love and could find and appreciate the pleasures in marriage that I described above. That’s why I’d like you to stay married. And if you won’t, I will sue you. Because when you wrap your marriage vows around a cubic zirconia encrusted baseball bat and beat us about the head and face with them, you can stay the f*ck married for more than 20 minutes, you sexy monster. I’ll see you in court.

24 thoughts on “Bravo, Rob Delaney”

  3. I don't get it either. It's not like they do anything for anyone! Are they trying to cure juvenile diabetes – no! Are they working to end world hunger – no! All they do is fatten their bank accounts!

    I don't understand WHY people get sucked into this! Maybe we should stop all television programming – except for the news!

    I know, let's send people to library to read a book, volunteer at a nursing home, help the homeless, help your families, pick up trash on the streets.

    My point is, there's better ways to spend your time than watching the Kardashian family!

  5. Never watched any of their shows and don't plan on it.
    Can not stand reality shows period.
    Its the cheap way out for networks.
    What ever happened to 5 to 10 dramas per network a week?

  6. As my mom used to say "what a bunch of hooey". The crazy thing is that some people actually enjoy these people. I guess they don't have anything better to do with their time. 🙂

  7. Eighteen MILLION? Hell, for eighteen million I'll get married!
    YIKES.
    I do agree…I don't go in for all of that stupid crap.
    (See my post on Toddlers and }}GAG{{Tiaras…)
    xo, Cheryl

  9. Hello !

    It has even reached Europe….It made headlines on news websites here too.
    How pathetic !
    We are living on a planet of emptiness and garbage television, newspaper….
    Love your website.
    Lots of hugs to Chip the sweet pup. I hope he is doing fine.
    Greetings from Switzerland
    Maria

  10. I do not watch the reality shows but unfortunately I know who Kim Kardashian is, sort of. Almost unavoidable. Maybe we can start a non-profit organization to collect donations to help support the law suit.

  15. I don't understand any of the "reality" tv shows. In "real" reality, who goes around with a camera up their a$$ all day??? Just the fact there IS a camera would influence how you act, would it not? I know I'm one of the few who isn't impressed with celebrity. To me it's just people who get paid a lot, but that doesn't make them any better than anyone else, just higher paid.

  16. These people are sick and famous for WHAT???? Like Paris Hilton–famous for ????? I do not watch ANY of these shows–but apparently many people do. They also exploit their own. "C" wrote a post a short while back about the Kardashians with a photo of the 15 yr. old daughter in a provacative pose–obviously being groomed to be the next one. It's sick and those who watch and support are equally sick.
    V

  19. I can't watch any of this reality stuff. It's just boring. And what' worse, most of these people are not the sharpest crayons in the box. In that respect, Seacrest is right. The audience is smart. Well, smarter, anyway. 🙂

  20. I love it! That whole Kardashian bunch makes my butt ache. I HATE reality TV. For one thing, it's put perfectly good ACTORS out of work. It's shameful. Which is one reason I so rarely turn my tv on.
    Brenda

  21. I watch my fair share of reality (Housewives of Beverly Hills? Amazingly embarrassingly trainwreck lovely – I'm so awful), but I have not watched the K's, but it's hard to stay away entirely especially since the idiot groom is from Minnesota and he brought Kim here much to the delight of every Minnetonka woman. I have heard that Kim did NOT like Minnesota. LOL!

    My point (I think I have one . . .) is I don't get it either! She's as vapid as they come – I counted the "likes" in an interview she was giving the other day and LOST COUNT.

    Please Kim – get a vocabulary and a brain.

    Thanks for letting all of us vent away Karen!

  22. What is worse is her mother sticking up for her on all NBC all day today. As women go, so goes the world. As I tell my kids daily, "Reality shows ARE NOT REAL". They're crap. Loved your post it gave me my first laugh of the day.

  24. Totally agree with your confusion about why this family of self absorbed plastic people is being forced down our throats! Enough! Hope there can be a class action law suit – 'cause I'm there!

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