I like people. I like to get along with people. I really don’t want drama in my life if I can keep away from it…most of the time I’ve been successful, but not always. The way I see it.. we only come through this life once. We only get this one chance to live our best life. Negativity, jealousy, meanness, attitude, drama, and all the things that go hand in hand with it… shouldn’t be given any valuable space in a person’s life.
I struggled with a relationship that for a long while left me frustrated and hurt. I knew I was extending myself to try and grow it, but it just wasn’t taking. And occasionally there were obvious slights or a coldness or I heard remarks of disapproval. And that would hurt too. I looked for what might be done differently on my side of things to change the outcome, but I knew that I’ve always had good intentions, so what could I change?
I am finding that one of the gifts of aging is having the ability to see things more clearly as you go, appreciating what is good and nourishing in your life and recognizing what is simply toxic. I was trying to forge what I thought was an important relationship with a person who just wasn’t interested. I believe now it’s as simple as that. We’re very different, not much in common. She would never choose the path I walk and I would never choose hers. Nothing wrong with that. One more revelation – I didn’t need her approval and I’m still not sure why it bothered me for so very long that I didn’t have it. It doesn’t matter the reason.
And so I’ve stopped trying, I’ve accepted that it is what it is, and I believe I have finally let..it..go. There is a peace in doing this, give it a try if you find yourself in a similar situation.
“95% percent of the time, whatever the crap is you’re being handed by someone that is totally perplexing to you… really has nothing to do with you. “
” Why grieve over a relationship that never really was? What exactly do you think you’re missing? “
And.. LOVE THIS…
Just sayin – Amen.
I had the very same experience and it has been very refreshing to "stop walking on eggshells" in order to have a relationship with someone who didn't like me anyway, but didn't have the courage to say it out loud.
AMEN, AMEN!!! Breathe in the good, exhale the bad!
It is courageous to let the bad go.
I know that, for me, when I've allowed someone to make me feel badly about myself it's mostly about me and my idiotic need to have everyone like me. Which is impossible.
I've always wondered, "Why do I give a rat's arse about him/her? I don't even like them!"
You, of course, are the bomb diggitty. Do peeps still say that? I am so not cool. Ha!
Stand in your truth. Smooch and adore.
Amen! Took till I was 50 to realize this with a few people … you're a bit ahead of the curve, my young friend.
We cannot control other people … we can only control our own reaction to them. (To be honest, sometimes it's a struggle to avoid old pitfalls. A worthwhile struggle, tho. Much happier in the longrun because of it.)
A hard lesson to learn but one we women seem to be faced with at this age? Do men go through this? I have not witnessed it. Are women too hard on other women or do we just share so much more with each other than men do?
After 15 years of what I thought to be the best BFF situation I had ever known, things altered and after about a year I realized I was always feeling bad after a talk or an outing with this person. I second guessed my every word and worried all the time if she was angry with me.
One day after a mild altercation I decided just not to feed in to it and I pulled away, not phoning etc. I received one nasty note about my indifference to her which I did not answer and now 5 years later, still not a peep, nor have I ever seen her.
I've studied this situation for years now, missing her now and then but not missing the drama and "walking on eggshells". Should I have confronted her and had a knock down drag out and salvaged what once was great? or did I do the right thing and protect my heart? Beats me… 😀
I like the 95% of the time quote, I think this was true in my case- her life was a train wreck. Funny I thought by my age, all this kind of junk would be behind us, I suppose not… friendships and relationships are just damn complicated- no matter the age.
After my divorce it took me years to find the power of forgiveness, the power of grace…sounds like you've found it with this gal too.
Have a great week.
So freeing, isn't it? I totally get how hard we try too- for me I figured out I didn't want to think I was a failure for not trying- that if I just figured it out, it would work. And then finally realizing it wasn't about me- never was and certainly never would be- ahhhhh.
Been there!
I've been there and sadly I am watching my 12 year old struggle with letting go of a friend she has had since age 3. The other girl is just not interested and it is so painful to watch because my daughter loves her friends. I think that the other girl is caught up in the "cool" stuff of this age and my daughter isn't. She has told me she doesn't think she's cool enough and she isn't going to change but there are still lots of tears of grieving left. I pray for her to come to this realization on her own and be freed by it. As a mother I see all of the things wrong in this relationship especially that the other girl has little or no supervision and my daughter may have too much.
Karen – every word everyone has posted is true.
A few years ago a friendship of 51 years came crashing to an end. Not for lack of trying on my part, I kept our friendship going because it meant so much to me. Our history went back to when we were 14 years old, we were each others honor attendants, we had kids at the same time. I thought we were sisters. And to a certain extent she felt the same way… as long as she was on the receiving end of the friendship… as long as things went her way and she got the attention things were fine.
My family told me for years that I needed to let go…that when I'd come home from seeing her I'd usually be frustrated and in a bad mood…and that beforehand I'd be anxious about how things would go. I ignored them.
Then, 3 years ago I confided something in her, she seemed happy for me and I thought things would go on as they had.
They didn't. Suddenly there were no responses to phone messages or notes. I stupidly kept trying though, sure that she hadn't received any of them. And then I got THE call… 'leave me alone, stop harassing me, I don't want you in my life anymore'.
How did I react? Not with loss or sorrow, nope, I was mad and hurt and finally realized that after 51 years I could let go of her.. it was so incredibly freeing and I haven't regretted it at all.
I often wonder if she has.
-Joan-
It's a sad lesson to learn…that we have to let go of people no matter how much we love/like them. The hardest thing for me to do was eliminate some family members from my life that caused me to battle with my feeling of inadequacy, unworthiness, unloved. And it was a long and hurtful road to separate myself from them. I always thought family was forever, but if it's just hurting you, dragging you down and making you beat yourself up, it doesn't matter who it is…cut the ties. I feel much more happy with my life now.
XO,
Jane
That is ME to a T… and the older I get, the more I realize that the relationship would never have flourished, no matter how hard I tried. Well said!
I think everyone goes through things like this but my grandfather told me to love the people who loves you the heck with the rest ! I'm speaking for all of us it her lost !!! Have a great day
There have been several times in my life that I've had to let go, even though it pained me to admit defeat. I'm struggling at this very moment with having to do it, yet again. Problem is, once I do, if they should decide they want things to be different, I rarely give them a second chance to hurt me.
You posted this at EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME, since I was just having this conversation a couple of hours ago and giving fair warning that I was about to "let go" and resign.
When Dave died, someone I'd know for 40 years and Dave had known for 20 years, dumped both of us. Her excuse was she'd come out of the closet and was now a liberal. She had to leave her conservative, unenlightened friends behind.
Her loss as time will tell.
I've never understood conditional friendship and intolerant people only prove themselves to be shallow and narrow minded. Frankly, when they weed themselves out of my life, they're doing both of us a favor.
oh, so true….the crap other people hand you usually belongs to them.
amen.
These people are ususally connected to us by family relationships which makes it difficult to completely avoid them. I've always been a pleaser–finally realizing that everything in the world is "not my fault"–and I can think what I want without having to feel guilty about it. In my family every little thing was questioned and you never quite received approval for anything. I hope I haven't done this to my kids!
V
Hi Karen, I can't believe this. It's 4.30 am Uk time and I've been awake most of the night…upset over a situation just like you are describing. My husband would probably have told me exactly the same had I confided in him…and here you are showing me the way!! Many thanks. Joan
Look how this touched so many of your readers. We all will or have struggled with this. It kinda makes me sad for women. As one of your posters mentioned, men do not go through this! We save it special for our own gender. #facepalm
Every day I get up and I try to do better.
I've had very very close BFF relationships that just change and it leaves me confused and hurt. I try to keep the relationship but feel the growing distance on their part. I struggle with understanding how someone can be so very close and then so distant. But I realize that is just what they choose and I can't change it. So I miss them and just keep on with my life, treasuring the past friendship.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but perhaps it's a good thing you came to the conclusion it was too hurtful to carry on. I know you must feel the freedom now.
My mom used to tell me that I burned too many bridges; the irony? The one I wanted to burn would have been impossible. So, in these days even though I've cut myself off from a few negative people, I feel okay about myself. 🙂
This is so totally true. Totally. I have learned to let go and let it be but it was a hard lesson and somewhat painful…
I had, what I thought was an awesome friendship. Then one day she accused me of something I didn't do, and even though I tried to understand and mend the relationship, I had to finally give up. And even though it had hurt a lot, and still does sometimes, I had to let go. It just isn't worth the heartache.
Hi Karen,
I love the drinking poison quote and am going to have to remember that!
Isn't it liberating when you finally have those great Aha's in life!?! Since September 11th, I've been very selective who I share myself with and give a lot to the people that are truly important to me.