The ties that bind

 He liked to have fun.
He had many friends.
He lived on his boat for a while.
He built real sailboats, little race cars, model airplanes…
He was incredibly mechanically inclined..

                                bright in a way that could have taken him anywhere he chose to go…

… if he had chosen to go.
He is stubborn ( I inherited that)
There is a certain anger (for a time I inherited that too, but I’ve grown up some)
There is an emotional detachment to family and friends I just don’t understand…
and I don’t think he does either.
We don’t have the bond I’ve seen other daughters appreciate and cherish.
The affection now doesn’t come easy, doesn’t come at all…
because it never was.  
And yet there are the ties that bind.
He is my father…and I am his daughter.
As his world becomes much smaller
and his body frail,
I can no longer ignore the lack of relationship.
The past is gone… and I’m done with the hurt of what wasn’t.
What remains needs tending.
And so I do what I’m capable of…
and my husband (thankfully)
takes care of the rest.
Today my son and I went to his home and mowed lawn,
hung his flag out on the deck,
trimmed shrubs.

After the yardwork was done, 

he sat out on the deck with an old photo album
and reminisced with my son about the good ole days…
the days of custom vans and sailboats,
parasailing on Lake George..
his three years in the Carolinas as a draftsman in  the Army
(the best years of his life)

He glanced over at the pot of impatiens I placed on the steps…

Red – the very same flowers he used to plant
around the big old oak tree in the yard of our long ago home.
He remembered this…which amazed me.

I took this picture…because I felt it  then…
the ties that bind… .
.they are there in the little things…
and that will be enough.
 

25 thoughts on “The ties that bind”

  3. I had a failed relationship with my mother. I'm not quite sure what it is we expect of a parent… perfection? I don't know.

  5. wow, from the back, it could be a photo of my father.
    He and I didn't have a great relationship either…..it was often pretty rocky……..but yes, there is the tie that binds, and in the last month of his life, I took care of him, and he mellowed knowing that his time was short.
    He finally told me that I 'was a good daughter'…..I had waited 50+ years to hear that.
    Do what you can. While you can. Because you will never have another chance.

  6. Wise Karen- you won't regret both releasing what wasn't and embracing what still is… this was beautifully written and no matter what he can't express, I am certain he has his own way of loving you.

    I never received an outward expression of love from Dad before he passed- I too just had to infer from small things that he loved me. It was enough. I pray you will feel "enough" too.

  7. My Dad was on that never showed his love for us. Mother tells me how much my Dad loved me as a little girl, the things she did with me, and how hard he worked to provide for me. I only wish I could remember those times.

    The only kiss I ever remember from my Dad was on my wedding day.

    Yet the day before he died (He had been in a nursing home for 4 years with Alzheimer's,) as I walked out, he called me by name and said he loved me. The next morning he was gone.

    As they say, you can pick your friends, but not your family.

    They gave us life, without them we wouldn't be here.

    Blessings

  9. I think there are many of us that have these kinds of relationships and never talk about them because it is just too painful.

    God bless you-I heard something one time that made a lot of sense to me- If we have less than ideal fathers here on Earth we can only look to God as the only perfect father…and that the only real healing might come on the other side of this life.

    My heart aches for you, Karen, because I DO understand- xo Diana

  10. They are our parents…but they are human too. I've struggled with my relationship with my mom all my life…she absolutely can make me NUTS. But, I love her, and I know that she loves me, even if we don't show it the same way or even understand each other very much. I think that tie is there no matter how much you want to see it or not. I also think becoming a parent ourselves helps us to see them more as people as well as parents. They had dreams and a life before us…it's like seeing your elementary teacher in the grocery store…"What?? You mean she buys groceries too??" 😉
    They do leave us, usually before we're ready. Time does run out so I'm so glad you're taking what you have and seeing the best of it.

  11. Maybe it was their generation…my dad was never close with me or my sister either. And yet it was there a little bit when we all grew older and now that he is gone I miss him and feel sad that he never knew how to display his emotions…and passed that on to us. A long story here as you can tell:) I love the picture of your son and your father. They are lucky to have this even if it is only for a day:)

  12. I think there are more of these relationships than the bond you spoke of. Definitely lacking, but it is what it is. Beautiful piece of writing

  13. You will never regret what you are doing for your father now. I lost my mother 15 years ago and Lord knows we had our ups and downs, but as she got sicker we let it all go. Now matter what happens, you can't live with any regrets. You are a wise and strong woman. What a role model you are to your children.

  14. Ahhh – don't I understand, my friend. I soooo understand. Cherish that he had a life even if you felt untied from it. You will have much to think about in the future. He will never leave you and you will puzzle over much in the days, months and as I live it – probably years to come. Now is the time to stretch for those moments – possibly seconds of joy. Thanks for the good post. I caught a bit of fleeting joy here this morning and also the heartache awoke. But it's all good. Love you.

  16. You will always know you did your best for your dad. I think many folks from that era give the impression of being uncaring, and perhaps don't speak their true feelings. It isn't easy to show affection for many of them. I love your photo, Sharing between the generations.

  17. Lovely post, Karen. I have a complicated relationship with my dad, too, so I understand your feelings. It's wonderful that you've decided to release the past and be there for him in the present.

    xo
    Claudia

  18. I'm proud of you, Karen. Also, I'm glad your sweet boy will have this memory with his grandfather just as you will.

  20. So true, sounds like my father in law who will be 88 on Wednesday. He fell a month ago and broke his hip. Now he has declined so much he is in Hospice care and my husband is trying to make sense of the past 58 years of relationship. It's good to have peace.

  21. Touching . . . a hard time of life for you, and for him. Embrace the time you have with him, and take joy in your son knowing your father. Many of us have had similar relationships and feelings. Your post was so moving.

  22. I think some people just have a hard time expressing themselves, especially love. It makes you so vulnerable. I have no doubt your father loves you very much, he just can't seem to display it. Bless your heart!

  23. There is something so powerful about the father/daughter relationship–whether it is nurturing and healthy or cold and distant–it affects who we are.
    My mom was the emotionally distant one. Dad was the nurturing one, but also the critical one. He called me "the dreamer" which was also what he was. The dreams that are never achieved. I could never please him.
    There is always a reason for a emotionally distant person–something deep in childhood–even infancy–needs that were not met whether intentionally or unintentionally due to life circumstances. My maternal grandmother's own mother died when she was only two, and she suffered under a cruel step- family. She was deprived of nurture. It's helped me understand my mom and her mother. Sometimes we just have to take whatever crumbs someone is able to offer, realizing it's the best they can do.
    Love the photo of grandfather and son.

  25. I've come to grips with my family relationships — it is what it is — much of it my fault. I do the best I can, as do they and I don't get disappointed any more. Such a waste of time, really.

    I'm glad he noticed the flowers and spent some time with your son. 🙂

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