Author: admin

Scenes from “welcome” day…

  The dogs came off transport yesterday along with their rescue crew… the day was spent walking, feeding, bathing, vetting, settling in.   I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again… what an awesome feeling it is to be working along side like-minded people who are there only for the good of the animal.   Four dogs also were home last night with their new families, before we even opened to the public. It’s a beautiful thing… and….     Hooray for the Underdog!…  now send us a little prayer of success this weekend as we try to place 56 more dogs and puppies with their forever families.

Another day for the Dogs

 They’ve left the South and are on their way up to New England… 60 dogs and puppies who ended up in a bad place, only to be rescued by our awesome rescue crew down south.  They have been caring for these dogs, getting to know them, vetting and training for the past few months.  Below are the pictures of just a few, the ones I wish I could take home myself, truth be told….

 Ryan in particular is my very favorite… he’s already got at least three approved applicants who want to take him home.  The one who is determined to be the best fit will be his new family.  I would have named him Merlin.  He just looks like a Merlin to me.

  So wish us luck.. big adoption weekend for a lot of shelter dogs who are coming a loooong way (30 hours) to find their forever home.  You know I’ll post pics next week.  If you’re local, we’ll be at the Chester Fairgrounds – adoption event 10-4 Saturday and Sunday.

What remains

     So, the deconstructing of my fathers life continues.  We have managed to empty out his home completely, except for the cat, who needs a home as well.  First day on the market, it has sold, cash deal to close at the end of this month.  His car is also sold… both went very cheap, but at fair market value, hence the quick sales. It will be a blessing for him as the money will go to his care now.
    The cat… Felix.. the one thing he sheds a tear for and asks about repeatedly,  ( not the other daughter he never hears from or sees)… will need a new home also.  I haven’t worked that out yet.  I have ten days to do so, and then the new owner takes over.  Four dogs here and two of them would rip him apart. So that’s not an option.  He’s never seen horses and he’s used to a warm inside-the-house bed at night. I don’t think the barn is an option either.
     As for Dad… he has a very nice room with a pleasant view, right now all to himself. There are other men who live at the facility who are very nice, very capable, kindly even.  They, like him, still have all their marbles.  Good company if he chooses to reach out. We have introduced them.   I’ve set up a bird feeder outside his window and there is a candy bowl I keep filled for the caregivers who come and go. He now has his big recliner we bought him last year that lifts him out with a remote control. The chair seen below in the picture wasn’t going to be comfortable enough for someone who lives in his chair watching the tube.   He has a new flatscreen TV and is being waited on and the food is very good.  Indeed, despite his best/worst efforts.. he is a lucky man.
    There is still a lot of paperwork to wade through, meetings, things to set up, and time will tell if he’s truly settled and accepting.  My resentment at having to be the sole responsible party for his care waxes and wanes.  I’m still working at being kind. Most of the time I get it right, but not 100 percent of the time.   He’s still working at realizing all that is being done on his behalf.  We weren’t close.  I go through the motions at the nursing home as the caring daughter, the only family member who visits, but it feels like a lie.   And then it doesn’t.  Sometimes I feel good about the effort I’m making even when it’s a pain in the ass.   Sometimes it feels good to see him comfortable and apparently pleased with his surroundings. Sometimes I find the nearest ear and vent the anger I obviously still possess about many things.  That’s often my mother, who divorced him many many years ago.   Sometimes he pisses me off  and I walk out – like so many times before.  Saturday after bringing him more of what would make him comfortable, I was yelled at for not returning his wrist watch, which he had given me just 24 hours earlier to have the battery replaced. He was so angry, he shook.    The reason it stings is he’s not lost his marbles at all… he is not in pain.  Why the great anger over something so trivial when I am obviously giving him 150 percent.

     I came home upset, but my husband helped me see that deal more clearly.  He said –  “Karen… look at his life now.  Even though he’s comfortable and it’s a pleasant environment, it’s a huge change all the way around. It has to be frustrating for him to have so little control”.      

Truth, this.

   And yet it still stings me.  So,  at the age of 50, I still have some growing up to do.   A thin skin I still possess.

Heirloom Vermont

      I’ve figured it out, don’t ya know.  What is it about the state of Vermont?  It’s the feeling of going back in time a little… it’s the enjoyment of the simpler things in life.  It’s the less crowded highways and byways and back roads.

  Or.. it was.

 Yesterday, everyone and their sister, aunt, third cousin twice removed, ex-in laws and all of their fraternity and sorority brothers, apartment neighbors and church fellowship showed up.  Vermont has been discovered, times ten.

  We took our annual road trip to Scott farm in Dummerston, (I’ve blogged about that before if you want to read more on it.. put Vermont in the search box on my blog and the post will come up.) … where this year unbeknownst to us  they held their Heirloom Apple Festival on the same day as the Heritage Festival in Newfane, just up the road.  So.. there were many people at the Orchard.  It was lovely, though, and we brought home some delicious Heirloom apple varieties (hidden rose, it’s rose colored flesh!) and sampled and bought some hard cider.. and my favorite.. apple cider made from many varieties of heirloom apples…Liquid Gold, I’m tellin ya!

  Then we headed over the hill and came across an Apple Pie Festival that apparently  is also a favorite place for about 2,000 motorcyclists to descend upon.  That’s just a little slice of it….

 Took us a bit to get through the swarm and down to the river, across the beautiful covered Dummerston Bridge (also in previous post).  Then about five miles up Vermont Route 30 to The Heritage Festival in Newfane.   What I love about Newfane, nestled at the base of some low lying mountains… it’s beautiful. It’s unassuming. It’s a quiet town that pays homage to the way life was years ago.. simpler. The houses, churches and Union Hall well made with attention to detail, most cared for,  porches now piled high with firewood for the coming winter, tractors in many yards, whether ornamental or still in use… standing the test of time.  We actually came across some friends from Connecticut, enjoying the day in the same way.

     It’s a beautiful thing.

Stripped

  What do I say about the state of Dad’s affairs…. Hmmm… well.. the word above, stripped.. yes, that’s it in a nutshell. 
    He’s 79 and up until now, with some help from my husband and I, he’s been able to live independently despite his best efforts to not live a very healthy lifestyle.   Truth be told, we saw him now and then, but not even every week.  He lived his little bit of a life, comfortably and on his own terms.  I say – little bit of a life-  because he didn’t always treat those near him well,  and so family and friends dropped away and he was left with the few relationships he hadn’t neglected too much over the years.   Almost-strangers liked him well enough though, he was a  swell guy!  Case in point – I had to go the Town Hall yesterday to get a copy of the deed to his house, etc… the ladies there said – So sorry to hear of your dad’s decline, he was SUCH a NICE GUY.”.   I thanked them and said I would let dad know they were thinking of him. 
    
    The irony is …..he was so dysfunctional with his family relationships, including his siblings, who are now deceased – yet to almost-strangers he was Such a Nice Guy.  My sister wrote him off a long time ago, hasn’t even been to visit him, and he’s not even concerned, doesn’t even ask.  I still ask my 10 year old self… why was he so nice to  almost-strangers? Why was it so hard for him to be normal with his own family?  Normal. Just that, nothing more was ever asked of him. I still experience the ten year old anxieties, but now instead of the accompanying anger, it’s just the bewilderment at how someone can be so self-centered and absorbed without much though for others for the whole of his life.

  And now.. because of those choices he made, he’s exactly where he was headed in the end. Pretty much alone.  My conscience won’t allow me to just walk away from the guy sitting in the wheelchair at the rehab facility with his 20 percent heart function that just doesn’t  allow him the stamina to walk down the hall anymore, the ever present oxygen nearby if not being worn.   I actually have to remind myself every time I step into his room –  be kind, kindness, no arguments, just do it, ignore any stupid remarks, it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter now.  It doesn’t matter.

   What does matter is I have to figure out where he goes next, and if any of you have experienced the title 19 process, it’s hell on wheels.  Basically, my father needs assistance for the remainder of his life, medical, physical, etc. etc. He wants to go home – even if for just a little longer – he says.  Yet he really can’t.  He doesn’t have the money, because he never planned well for these things, or many things at all, for the care he would need.  Medicare is almost used up, the rehab place is ready to kick him out of their system, initial discharge was Thursday and yet where is he supposed to go?  He can’t – go home-.  He can’t just go – out-.  There needs to be a plan. They are looking at ME for the plan. It’s a job I didn’t sign up for, and don’t want.  But there it is.

      Medicaid will allow him to live in a nursing home with the medical and physical support he needs to get through his remaining days comfortably.  Title 19 is the only way to do it.  Title 19 takes every last thing you own, fair enough.  Title 19 takes months to process.  Four weeks ago we didn’t know he would need Title 19.   So, I had to hire an attorney to facilitate title 19, and help me jump through the hoops to get him into a facility not far from us so I can monitor his care and needs.  They have you fill out a workbook with his finances.  Their fee?  They don’t tell you until they’ve seen the completed workbook.   It’s substantial… and…. it happens to be the total amount that was left in his savings account. To the penny. That just feels a little dirty to me.  But.. it is what it is, and we need their assistance. The state gets what they aren’t paid anyway.    Out of his SS check monthly, the state will take that too, besides his assets, and he will get a $60 per month allowance.  That is supposed to pay for his haircuts, toiletries, any clothing he might need, if he wants to buy an ice cream.   – really-.   *sigh

   I meet with the lawyer and him on Friday to discuss all of this, to explain to him what has to happen, and to have him sign over all the last threads of what he managed to hold on to until now.  That includes his beloved and decrepit 94 Chevy Cavalier, that he believed he could take to the nursing home with him for the occasions when he gets bored and wants to go for a ride.   – *sigh again.

  Stripped, and I feel sorry for him, and yet I don’t.  And yet…. 

Grab a cup -a-joe, this is a long one.

    First.. the debate. Holy sh*t.  Really?  Almost every one of them sunk right down to the low depths we’ve seen in recent years. Nothing new. It actually looked like a comedy act.   I was looking at that line-up and said over and over again.. really??… Is that ALL ya got, Republican America??….. *sigh.  As much as many people LOVE that Donald Trump is railing against the machine we’re all coming to distrust and maybe even hate –  He’s not coming up with ONE SINGLE ANSWER  for the many major problems we face.  Not one.   – I talk to people all over the world all the time, I am the great deal maker, I think I can get along with him! I would talk to him! I have great people, great teams, She’s ugly, he took money from me, I went to her wedding because she asked and for business sake I did it! I will build a great wall!  I am a builder!!….     Please. Please…. just shut up and go home.   So glad Walker had the good sense to go home.  Huckabee is too religiously emphatical . He’s a preacher, not a President.  Fiorina, well I had hopes…. but if you read into her true story, she is a bitch with a capital B and a liar.   While a little backbone and a strong woman in office is appealing, that kind of Bitch is not what we all want in office for four to eight years.  Disagree?  Ok, if after you’ve read her full history and yes, the lies being told, you still want to stand by her, you go ahead, it’s your right after all. And hey, she’s not the only one lying.. they all do it! To be fair.     Christie is hated by his own New Jerseyites, and he’s a thug, plain and simple.  Rubio – I kinda like him until he starts his warmongering crap, then I think I really don’t want his finger over the nuclear war buttons.  Carson – nice guy!  I bet he was a heck of a brain surgeon! Doesn’t have any experience whatsoever in this field,  and wants to defund planned parenthood, and that’s just stupid on so many levels –   so… yeah.  And I just don’t think America is going to elect another black President right at this point in time. We weren’t mature enough to do it the first time and not much as changed.  Jeb Bush – I don’t think he’s a bad guy, surprised he wasn’t the one back when George 2 was elected. But the whole lot of them is more of the same, I truly believe it.   What a zoo.  Actually zoos are filled with animals, who have more integrity.  Not a fair comparison.  If you disagree with me on any of this, I have no problem hearing you out in the comments below. I understand this is just my view and your points may be valid. Just be kind in your delivery.  Speaking of which….. 
     My Dad.  Well.  His insurance (Medicare) has done a fine job of covering his needs up to this point and I hope that continues.  His issue is – he’s in a very nice rehab facility now where they are treating him well and monitoring his condition but can’t really do much with him as far as rehab goes because he’s got that dang 20 percent heart function.  He’s realizing it ain’t going away and the idea of going -home- where he lives alone, just probably isn’t going to come to fruition.  Since I am the only family member willing to deal with his -issues – I am left with the difficult conversations to have with him, with the health care providers… with the  chores that come with his needs at this point, like doing his laundry and feeding his cat and doing his banking and cleaning his home and visiting him regularly and buying him this and that and those things too,  at reconciling the not-so-awesome relationship I have with him …. (literally every time I walk into his room I am chanting, be kind Karen, Be kind.)  He said to me yesterday –  Jeez, I think this is probably it!  It’s over.   And I said.. well, you’re still here, and you have all your marbles.  You look alive to me, so you have to decide what you want the time you have left to look like.  It’s your decision if you will make the best of it or let it take you down.    We’re talking about nursing homes, and I’ve had to look into what title 19 will require.  His few assets will need to be turned over to the state. That’s another ugly conversation I am not looking forward to.  I keep asking myself, are you being kind, Karen? In your delivery, in your tone of voice?  Because the sad reality is it’s not easy for me to be kind to him.  And that’s not a great feeling inside of me. Still searching for a way to let that go… been trying for years. 
     *sigh… I had more to say but that’s enough to digest in one morning, don’t ya think?  None of us really needs more rants, we need blue skies and palomino ponies.  Just that.. are ya in?… let’s go. 
      

Bullsh*t

  This is the state of our health insurance situation right now.  Because of the Affordable care act, which I admittedly had high hopes for…. because our nations health insurance programs sucked for many…..  Anyway… because of that lovely new deal we were cancelled by Blue Cross Blue Shield.. unless we wanted to pay $400. more PER MONTH. for our family’s health insurance.  Even though President Obama promised if we liked our plan, we could keep it.  That was wrong.   So we switched to Connecticare (HA!).. care, really??…. because it would be about the same as we were paying per month. Which ain’t cheap.  And we’re all pretty healthy. 
  Two things.. for the same money, we’re getting less services covered.  And… the new drug plan which they call the Freedom Drug Plan – IRONY!!!…  really.. really .. sucks.  This is happening all over the country and I bet a few of you have had a similar issue.     –   I have high blood pressure despite being active and healthy, a non smoker non drinker otherwise.  Over the past few years my doctor has prescribed several drugs that either didn’t have any affect, had terrible side effects or I was allergic to.   We finally found a drug that works perfectly with no side effects – Benicar.  Amen!  How happy I am.  Benicar has no generic form yet, patent up next year… then there’s hope for a generic.  For now, Connecticare refuses to pay for it… instead insisting I keep trying the other drugs I’ve already tried without success.. maybe take MORE of them to see if they work any better.   They have refused both my GP and Cardiologists requests.  Not sufficient evidence that I can’t keep trying other drugs. That’s their reason.  Awesome. 
My father had a heart attack last week.  He has 20 percent heart function as a result and has congestive heart failure.  He’s also experienced periods of not being able to breathe, having been intubated for 24 hours when it got real bad.  Just two days after that, he was kicked out of the hospital and sent to a rehab facility  – where he relapsed and had another attack just 48 hours later.  Back to the hospital in an ambulance he went.   The center told me he should never have been sent there because they are not equipped for cardiac rehab, no monitors, no IV ability, etc… it appears the hospital was just looking for a place for him to go that wasn’t THE HOSPITAL.. even though they were aware of his grave condition.   Awesome.  
Anything to save a buck.  Mr President… I have to wonder… is this what you had in mind? Meanwhile.. my cousin who hasn’t worked in ten years .. just because, really….. is THRILLED with the ACA because he finally has insurance again, FREE.  He laughs about it. Not funny.   
There is something very wrong with hardworking individuals paying a big price for those who just choose not to work.  I get it when people can’t help themselves or are trying and struggling  – its why I had high hopes for the ACA,  we need to help them.  But there are too many cases where this isn’t the case, it’s abuse… and we should be able to pick our best health options. 
Meanwhile.. tonight.. the debate.  This oughta be interesting. 
  

Fixing the broken….

  So… this summer.  *sigh.

  Mom broke her arm, it was ugly.  She was a trooper, and  that has healed nicely. She’s driving again and living life as it should be lived. Although I still catch her holding that arm out to the side like it’s a defective piece of merchandise that might spew filth on her being at any moment.  (Hi Mom!)  

  Max the horse is home and loving retirement life, he’s living the good life for sure, healing nicely. Amen.  (Diane this one’s for you 🙂

  Dad suffered a heart attack the other day.  His second, plus a stroke about 10 years ago.  He must have nine lives.  Right now operating on 20 percent heart function, breathing on his own again after being intubated for 24 hours, but still there is the congested (congestive?)  heart failure issue.   He’s flirting with the nurses so I know he’s still who he is.  What he will be, though, moving forward, is a question mark.  Will he be able to go home and live on his own?  How long does a congested heart stay clear of the fluid buildup. Should he be driving?  He’ll answer yes for sure, but that doesn’t make it right.   Our relationship .. that’s a tough one.  I am the only person (plus my husband) who is there for him at this stage of his life… and I keep saying to myself.. Kindness, Karen.  Find it.. show it.

   Rudy the dachshund bloated this afternoon after digging in the dog food bag and pretty much submerging himself in there until we noticed.  He’s been acting odd lately and has had a voracious appetite for food and water.  Had him tested, – nothing.  Not diabetes, blood work good, heart good, not cushings positive, just borderline.. and yet the behavior.  So tonight he was gorging himself and bloated out.  A trip to the vet, stomach pumping, some morphine-like stuff, and he’s home and resting sorta comfortable.

  *good times.