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     Something I have always believed in is how important it is to put effort into making your home a place of respite, a refuge, a welcoming space. My grandmother had a small house that she made so warm and inviting for family and friends and I appreciated it even as a child.
      We can’t control what goes on outside but whatever we face, being surrounded by things we love and feeling embraced when we walk in the door is so important. That doesn’t have to mean -money- or big elaborate spaces. A collection of beach rocks….feathers found on woods walks… The kids art projects, dog toys heaped in a big basket,  etc… All free, all add warmth and meaning. Choosing colors you find soothing or energizing for wall paint, sheets, pillows, etc. goes a long way and doesn’t break the bank. Switch up the furniture in a room, gives a whole new feel. Sometimes it gives the furniture a whole new purpose. 
     In my frustration over the horror show that is the news, I’ve taken a look around the house and de cluttered some, switched up furniture, bought a half price sale rug and put it in the bathroom. Feels like rejuvenation without spending much at all. Feeling down? Take a look around and de clutter, swap around, add a color. It’s good for the soul.
     The road home is more enjoyable when you know you’re landing in a place of peace. I wish that for all of you – 


This area held the kitchen table until a few days ago when we moved it over to the fireplace and swapped this stuff into the space instead. Now those chairs are actually getting used
and the kitchen table is in a more open and inviting space.  
It all works so much better now and it looks like we did the place over. 
More pics soon… 
Oh, what a half price sale rug can do for a bathroom… really
warmed it up.  And those two little topiary trees…
you wouldn’t think to put them in a bathroom but they
add just the right non-bathroom  anti-antiseptic touch. 
My Christmas Cactus haven’t even waited for Thanksgiving this year…



the boyz in raincoats…

Bailey with the look thats saying –  “Nooo, really? Now? But I’m comfortable, mom.”  – 
 not wanting to give up her perch so I can change the bedding… 

         The holiday season is upon us and I’m looking forward to sharing food and laughs and stories with others and I pray for peace to blanket the earth, for sanity and Good to trump all else. One can always hope.  As always, thanks for stopping by.

-CLICK –

       At 50 I’m still learning, still growing up  ( and out, just ask my jeans)… but this, I know, is true – you’re never to old for personal growth.. just have to be open to it.  For me that  means letting go of a few things and owning up to a few others.

        Who among us hasn’t experienced  anguish, stress, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loss, regret, embarrassment,   pain – both emotional and physical.   It’s part of the experience of living, can’t be avoided.  The key is to roll with it, not let it consume you, not let it waste the “precious”…… the time we have to enjoy the things that mean the most.  What that is to each of us is probably very similar even in it’s differences.  It’s the little things, the things we might easily put aside if we let the negatives consume us, that can enrich us the most and help us find balance.
       
     One of my pure joys –  I take a lot of pictures.  Remember the little boy in the movie Sixth Sense and his famous line….. “I see dead people”.    If you’re a shutterbug, you know what I mean when I say… ” I see Pictures” … everywhere I go.  Meaning, I see things I want to capture, hold on to, stash in the memory file because I love them so…. in the slant of light on fallen leaves… in the regal stance of my dog on a stump in the field…. in the red hues of the trees behind my red horse.  You get the picture…

….because she looooooooves her cat. 

                            … I get to walk this lane daily… in all seasons its a beautiful thing…

…these halloween geeks.. I love them so. 

   So go.. take pictures mentally or physically, see the beauty in all that is around you. It’s there in the steam off your morning coffee… in the light slanting through your windows, in the crayon scribble masterpiece your toddler left on the newly painted wall,  in the smile from a stranger just because… in the “thank you” your father mouthed as you turned to leave.    –   CLICK  – 

Anger and letting it go

   You all  know I’m opinionated and vocal about it if you’ve been reading here for a while.    I’m getting tired of it.  Quite frankly, it’s not good for me.  The experience with my father that has me dismantling his previous life has put me on edge in a way that isn’t healthy for anyone.   I’ve been at odds with my mother on a few things relating to my dad, my husband for the same reason,  The lawyer I thought I should use for Title 19 issues then realized that was so unnecessary for a heck of a lot of money –  My kids are just there and are probably feeling my frustrations as well, although they have nothing to do with it really.  I took one of my dogs for a walk last night to unwind and I found myself snapping at him just a little too sharply when he strayed too far up the trail.  Like maybe five feet too far.  *SNAP.

  That’s when I said… Whoa.  Who is this.  What are you doing here, Karen.  Is this how you want to be?  Is this what you want to feel every waking moment?  Life is too short. LET. IT. GO.    And what are you holding on to, exactly…. do you even know?    How often have we all heard that simple concept.   Let It Go.

   Even though I said those things to myself last night…. I again found myself aggravated this morning about something that’s not all that important in the grand scheme of things.  And to be honest.. I was just about to type the offense and my defense at the unjust behavior here in this post.  But again… it really does come back to… do I want to feel this way?  These things are gonna happen in life… it is what it is.  People have issues, people struggle. They react because of their own baggage, usually has nothing to do with those they react to unjustly,   Do I let it consume me or do I LET IT GO.

   Hard, hard thing… this kind of change, and yet it seems like it should just be so simple.

   So here I go again… I’m going to try like hell to Let It Go.. and just be and do and see and hear and BREATHE.   Maybe -feel- with a little less hurt and a little more empathy.

   Speaking of which – Update on my Dad –  he is settling in at the nursing home – a good and upbeat one by most standards.  He is subdued, and sits most hours of the day in his lounge chair stairing at the TV in a dark room.  We introduced him to a few very nice men who live at the same facility.  He has yet to reach out,  but he might at some point.  He has a beautiful window that he keeps drawn closed.  My hope is that he finally learns to reach out and expand his life to include others in a way that will enrich his own.    Is it the ending to a life story he would choose?  No.  But he steered the ship to where it landed and I’m doing the best I can to make his ship-ashore experience a comfortable one.  Although our relationship was a strained one, it really does feel good to do right by someone, for no other reason than to know that you are showing some mercy, compassion,, doing some good.

   I think.. I hope.. I actually pray… that I am finding my way there.  Suddenly it feels like it.  Thank you for all your kind words. I so appreciate each of your perspectives. We all live a similar and yet different experience coming from all different places and sharing those things opens us up to a bigger perception.    Amen.

Scenes from “welcome” day…

  The dogs came off transport yesterday along with their rescue crew… the day was spent walking, feeding, bathing, vetting, settling in.   I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again… what an awesome feeling it is to be working along side like-minded people who are there only for the good of the animal.   Four dogs also were home last night with their new families, before we even opened to the public. It’s a beautiful thing… and….     Hooray for the Underdog!…  now send us a little prayer of success this weekend as we try to place 56 more dogs and puppies with their forever families.

Another day for the Dogs

 They’ve left the South and are on their way up to New England… 60 dogs and puppies who ended up in a bad place, only to be rescued by our awesome rescue crew down south.  They have been caring for these dogs, getting to know them, vetting and training for the past few months.  Below are the pictures of just a few, the ones I wish I could take home myself, truth be told….

 Ryan in particular is my very favorite… he’s already got at least three approved applicants who want to take him home.  The one who is determined to be the best fit will be his new family.  I would have named him Merlin.  He just looks like a Merlin to me.

  So wish us luck.. big adoption weekend for a lot of shelter dogs who are coming a loooong way (30 hours) to find their forever home.  You know I’ll post pics next week.  If you’re local, we’ll be at the Chester Fairgrounds – adoption event 10-4 Saturday and Sunday.

What remains

     So, the deconstructing of my fathers life continues.  We have managed to empty out his home completely, except for the cat, who needs a home as well.  First day on the market, it has sold, cash deal to close at the end of this month.  His car is also sold… both went very cheap, but at fair market value, hence the quick sales. It will be a blessing for him as the money will go to his care now.
    The cat… Felix.. the one thing he sheds a tear for and asks about repeatedly,  ( not the other daughter he never hears from or sees)… will need a new home also.  I haven’t worked that out yet.  I have ten days to do so, and then the new owner takes over.  Four dogs here and two of them would rip him apart. So that’s not an option.  He’s never seen horses and he’s used to a warm inside-the-house bed at night. I don’t think the barn is an option either.
     As for Dad… he has a very nice room with a pleasant view, right now all to himself. There are other men who live at the facility who are very nice, very capable, kindly even.  They, like him, still have all their marbles.  Good company if he chooses to reach out. We have introduced them.   I’ve set up a bird feeder outside his window and there is a candy bowl I keep filled for the caregivers who come and go. He now has his big recliner we bought him last year that lifts him out with a remote control. The chair seen below in the picture wasn’t going to be comfortable enough for someone who lives in his chair watching the tube.   He has a new flatscreen TV and is being waited on and the food is very good.  Indeed, despite his best/worst efforts.. he is a lucky man.
    There is still a lot of paperwork to wade through, meetings, things to set up, and time will tell if he’s truly settled and accepting.  My resentment at having to be the sole responsible party for his care waxes and wanes.  I’m still working at being kind. Most of the time I get it right, but not 100 percent of the time.   He’s still working at realizing all that is being done on his behalf.  We weren’t close.  I go through the motions at the nursing home as the caring daughter, the only family member who visits, but it feels like a lie.   And then it doesn’t.  Sometimes I feel good about the effort I’m making even when it’s a pain in the ass.   Sometimes it feels good to see him comfortable and apparently pleased with his surroundings. Sometimes I find the nearest ear and vent the anger I obviously still possess about many things.  That’s often my mother, who divorced him many many years ago.   Sometimes he pisses me off  and I walk out – like so many times before.  Saturday after bringing him more of what would make him comfortable, I was yelled at for not returning his wrist watch, which he had given me just 24 hours earlier to have the battery replaced. He was so angry, he shook.    The reason it stings is he’s not lost his marbles at all… he is not in pain.  Why the great anger over something so trivial when I am obviously giving him 150 percent.

     I came home upset, but my husband helped me see that deal more clearly.  He said –  “Karen… look at his life now.  Even though he’s comfortable and it’s a pleasant environment, it’s a huge change all the way around. It has to be frustrating for him to have so little control”.      

Truth, this.

   And yet it still stings me.  So,  at the age of 50, I still have some growing up to do.   A thin skin I still possess.

Heirloom Vermont

      I’ve figured it out, don’t ya know.  What is it about the state of Vermont?  It’s the feeling of going back in time a little… it’s the enjoyment of the simpler things in life.  It’s the less crowded highways and byways and back roads.

  Or.. it was.

 Yesterday, everyone and their sister, aunt, third cousin twice removed, ex-in laws and all of their fraternity and sorority brothers, apartment neighbors and church fellowship showed up.  Vermont has been discovered, times ten.

  We took our annual road trip to Scott farm in Dummerston, (I’ve blogged about that before if you want to read more on it.. put Vermont in the search box on my blog and the post will come up.) … where this year unbeknownst to us  they held their Heirloom Apple Festival on the same day as the Heritage Festival in Newfane, just up the road.  So.. there were many people at the Orchard.  It was lovely, though, and we brought home some delicious Heirloom apple varieties (hidden rose, it’s rose colored flesh!) and sampled and bought some hard cider.. and my favorite.. apple cider made from many varieties of heirloom apples…Liquid Gold, I’m tellin ya!

  Then we headed over the hill and came across an Apple Pie Festival that apparently  is also a favorite place for about 2,000 motorcyclists to descend upon.  That’s just a little slice of it….

 Took us a bit to get through the swarm and down to the river, across the beautiful covered Dummerston Bridge (also in previous post).  Then about five miles up Vermont Route 30 to The Heritage Festival in Newfane.   What I love about Newfane, nestled at the base of some low lying mountains… it’s beautiful. It’s unassuming. It’s a quiet town that pays homage to the way life was years ago.. simpler. The houses, churches and Union Hall well made with attention to detail, most cared for,  porches now piled high with firewood for the coming winter, tractors in many yards, whether ornamental or still in use… standing the test of time.  We actually came across some friends from Connecticut, enjoying the day in the same way.

     It’s a beautiful thing.

Stripped

  What do I say about the state of Dad’s affairs…. Hmmm… well.. the word above, stripped.. yes, that’s it in a nutshell. 
    He’s 79 and up until now, with some help from my husband and I, he’s been able to live independently despite his best efforts to not live a very healthy lifestyle.   Truth be told, we saw him now and then, but not even every week.  He lived his little bit of a life, comfortably and on his own terms.  I say – little bit of a life-  because he didn’t always treat those near him well,  and so family and friends dropped away and he was left with the few relationships he hadn’t neglected too much over the years.   Almost-strangers liked him well enough though, he was a  swell guy!  Case in point – I had to go the Town Hall yesterday to get a copy of the deed to his house, etc… the ladies there said – So sorry to hear of your dad’s decline, he was SUCH a NICE GUY.”.   I thanked them and said I would let dad know they were thinking of him. 
    
    The irony is …..he was so dysfunctional with his family relationships, including his siblings, who are now deceased – yet to almost-strangers he was Such a Nice Guy.  My sister wrote him off a long time ago, hasn’t even been to visit him, and he’s not even concerned, doesn’t even ask.  I still ask my 10 year old self… why was he so nice to  almost-strangers? Why was it so hard for him to be normal with his own family?  Normal. Just that, nothing more was ever asked of him. I still experience the ten year old anxieties, but now instead of the accompanying anger, it’s just the bewilderment at how someone can be so self-centered and absorbed without much though for others for the whole of his life.

  And now.. because of those choices he made, he’s exactly where he was headed in the end. Pretty much alone.  My conscience won’t allow me to just walk away from the guy sitting in the wheelchair at the rehab facility with his 20 percent heart function that just doesn’t  allow him the stamina to walk down the hall anymore, the ever present oxygen nearby if not being worn.   I actually have to remind myself every time I step into his room –  be kind, kindness, no arguments, just do it, ignore any stupid remarks, it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter now.  It doesn’t matter.

   What does matter is I have to figure out where he goes next, and if any of you have experienced the title 19 process, it’s hell on wheels.  Basically, my father needs assistance for the remainder of his life, medical, physical, etc. etc. He wants to go home – even if for just a little longer – he says.  Yet he really can’t.  He doesn’t have the money, because he never planned well for these things, or many things at all, for the care he would need.  Medicare is almost used up, the rehab place is ready to kick him out of their system, initial discharge was Thursday and yet where is he supposed to go?  He can’t – go home-.  He can’t just go – out-.  There needs to be a plan. They are looking at ME for the plan. It’s a job I didn’t sign up for, and don’t want.  But there it is.

      Medicaid will allow him to live in a nursing home with the medical and physical support he needs to get through his remaining days comfortably.  Title 19 is the only way to do it.  Title 19 takes every last thing you own, fair enough.  Title 19 takes months to process.  Four weeks ago we didn’t know he would need Title 19.   So, I had to hire an attorney to facilitate title 19, and help me jump through the hoops to get him into a facility not far from us so I can monitor his care and needs.  They have you fill out a workbook with his finances.  Their fee?  They don’t tell you until they’ve seen the completed workbook.   It’s substantial… and…. it happens to be the total amount that was left in his savings account. To the penny. That just feels a little dirty to me.  But.. it is what it is, and we need their assistance. The state gets what they aren’t paid anyway.    Out of his SS check monthly, the state will take that too, besides his assets, and he will get a $60 per month allowance.  That is supposed to pay for his haircuts, toiletries, any clothing he might need, if he wants to buy an ice cream.   – really-.   *sigh

   I meet with the lawyer and him on Friday to discuss all of this, to explain to him what has to happen, and to have him sign over all the last threads of what he managed to hold on to until now.  That includes his beloved and decrepit 94 Chevy Cavalier, that he believed he could take to the nursing home with him for the occasions when he gets bored and wants to go for a ride.   – *sigh again.

  Stripped, and I feel sorry for him, and yet I don’t.  And yet….