51

  Today I am fifty one years old.  I can honestly tell you that number doesn’t bother me.. I feel blessed.  Life is so short, it is so fleeting.. we are just a speck on the earth and our time here is so limited and unknown. To fret over a number seems like a big waste of precious time.

   My daughter gifted me with this today…. isn’t it just the truth… * love it

 
  Max gifted us with coming up lame this week… I turned him out two days ago and this is the look I got…

   Upon further inspection and some movement on his part, he is absolutely lame. So we sent a video of his movement to the vet, who thinks it’s an abscess in the hoof because there’s no heat or swelling to point to a leg injury.  Soaking ensued…

 and some wrap/poultice. The shoer comes out today to pull the shoe and dig around to find what we hope is a simple abscess.  This is the horse who had the colic surgery six months ago.. the big guy has had a rough year.

  Blog and Birthday Buddy Sally sent me this lovely gift… we share the same birthday and have shared each other’s woes over the years, a virtual shoulder to lean on through the internet waves. Amazing, some of the friendships we develop, sometimes without ever meeting face to face.  I hope to meet Sally, though… perhaps when the big guy and I start scouting out Florida in the next year.   (So he says)    Sally also happens to have moved in recent years to a street with the same name as my beloved grandmother. Mike and I named a road after her too, thankfully before she passed so she could see it.  I’ll never forget it… Her 84 year old self  giggled when she saw the sign.  Made my day, my week, my whole month!

  Anyway.. back to Sally’s gift…

Thank you so much, Sally,  – and Happy Birthday to YOU!!

 I’ve been sprinkling SPRING around the house for the past few weeks.. so ready for it.

 SNOW to arrive on Sunday, I’m hoping it’s just a dusting.   
Have a good weekend, all – and as always, thanks for stopping by. 

Finding Our Way

  My father has been living at a senior care/rehabilitation center for five months now.  It’s not the ending to his story that he would have chosen, but due to the choices he has made over the course of his life, he landed where he was steering his ship.
      I give him credit in accepting this new life he didn’t want with a certain level of resolve, although for a while there was a resentment toward me for having been the one who actually executed all the transactions it takes to get him to that place.  He  recently likened me to a hurricane coming in and wiping out all that he possessed.  I understand that sentiment. He had been in poor health for many years due to his own neglect.. and finally that last heart attack rendered him too weak to live alone.   In just a few weeks time with the consult of many a health care provider,  it was determined without someone to live with him, he shouldn’t be alone any longer.      
      Now.. at first, when he told me his “hurricane”  feelings, the proverbial hair immediately went up on the back of my neck, a pattern we have followed our entire relationship.  I took a deep breath, ready to defend myself once again…. and it came to me in that instant that he had every right to feel that way, it was his truth.  So in five seconds I changed the  direction of the wind in my sail and gently explained that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, to dismantle HIS life and rearrange it in a way I knew he would not choose.  I would never have chosen that job myself, but I was the only one available to do it.  He said he understood, and knows he is where he needs to be.   The short conversation was miraculous given our normal “routine”.  A storm headed off at the pass, a blessing.
      I visit him weekly, sometimes more often, bringing him groceries for the little refrigerator we bought for his room…and his beloved Subway Sandwich as well.  I  continue to brace myself every time I  walk in… my “be kind” mantra repeated over and over until I reach his room.    He is still who he is… and I am still me.  He will tell me what I should have brought or how the sandwich should have been made, and I will either get annoyed, or laugh it off.   I will never get the love or acknowledgements that I have looked for from him my entire life, and he will never recognize all that has been done for him by more than a few people,  regardless of his self centered nature  for all those years. He was damn lucky, and still is.   The intelligent part of me says “It doesn’t matter, now, Karen. Let it all go. He’s just an old man who needs someone to give a shit. Period “.   The little girl in  me still wants to know “WHY”… but there is no reason, he sees no fault or lack or shortcoming, and never will.  So yes, Karen .. Let it Go.
     Yesterday I stopped in to deliver his soda and chips and Boost.  When I arrived, as usual, he wanted to talk.   He got all serious for a few minutes and said “You know, I have a lot of time to think here.   And what I am realizing is… I’ve had a good life.  I’ve done a good job in all areas, really… I got to live on a boat for ten years, a dream of mine. I did a good job of raising a family….. (hair up instantaneously, but then I took a deep breath, changed the wind in that sail again, and said to myself..  it doesn’t matter now, let it go.) ..  and I have always done a good job wherever I worked.”     I’ll give him that, he was dedicated to whatever job he held.  He continued ” As I sit here I realize it’s important to feel good about what you accomplished in life, because the memories are what you have left.  I can honestly say I feel very good about the person I am.”     I smiled and simply replied… I’m glad you have that peace of mind, Dad.   And you know?  I meant it.   
     As I sat there listening to him, I realized his absolute inability…  or is it  unwillingness…. to see himself for who he had truly been.  Case in point… does it ever occur to him that he has two daughters, but only one is willing to visit him and do what needs to be done in his last years?  That missing daughter is a genuine, decent person. He’s  missed out big time in the relationship department.. but he doesn’t feel it, doesn’t see it… doesn’t even ask.  Narcissism is one of the worst forms of mental illness. Why do I say that?  A narcissistic person, I believe, is so engrossed in his own being, his own needs,  happiness, his own agendas, that he or she never really sees their impact or lack thereof on the people around them in life, including their own families. They don’t appreciate good relationships, recognize or nurture them.   Judging by the conclusions my father is drawing as he sits in an elder care facility, pondering his life choices, there is no question of forgiving himself or regrets or wanting to right a few wrongs or even appreciating all that is STILL being done for him.  No… he’s content and happy with the choices he made and the fact that he has a staff tending to his every need is actually a bonus.    That  picture he has painted for himself is another gift he has given himself…and.. to some extent I am glad for him.
     The little girl wanted to ask him how he could ignore the obvious, but the woman I am becoming.. yes still becoming at the age of 51… is finally able to change the direction of the wind in her sails.  Most of the time.   A gift I have given to me.

   

Pull up a chair and grab a cuppa… it’s a long one and it goes all over the place

Because SNOW.  

     It’s 7:40 a.m. and I’ve already fed the dogs,  chickens and rabbits, mucked stalls and fed and watered the horses, let them run around for a bit and closed them back in.  The snow started to fly about an hour ago and we’re told it’s gonna be a good one.  I’ve got work to do at my editors desk here, so being snowed in is probably a good thing.. less distraction to take me away from it when the -inside- is more pleasant than the -outside- .

 This picture was taken yesterday during the -pleasant- portion of our winter weather.

**************

      Have I told you lately how much I love being able to work a job I enjoy .. from home?… it’s a big blessing. Back in the day, there was a three year period of time where I worked a secretarial job in a windowless office. For a girl like me, that was very depressing. I need to see the daylight, the sky, branches on trees, the weather…

     My son and his girl have been enjoying the sun and sand and 80 degree temps of St. Maarten, returning tonight, weather permitting.   As if I needed another reason to worry, of course they fly on a storm day.  We have not been to St. Maarten yet.. but the kids have enjoyed it so much and friends have recommended it highly, I think we’re going to take a family trip next January.  Of course, it takes two years to get the Mr. to agree to take a vacation.   Remember the Fonz… and how he just could not bring himself to say he was  Wrrrrrrrrrrr…………….wrrrrrrrrrrrr…………….    wrrrrr…rrrrr….rrrrrrrr…..wrong?   Just swap that word out for Vaaaaaaa…v aaaaaaaaa..a…..vaaaaaaa……cation.  

   

**************

The husband and I are trying to avoid gluten, so in the following recipe I will swap out regular pasta (woe is ME!!)… for the gluten free variety.  I have yet to find a gluten free anything that tastes as good as the original stuff, but I have to admit I feel so much better when I don’t eat it.

Anyway!… this looks great for a cold winters eve, don’t ya think? 
Chicken Bacon Pasta
Recipe HERE


*************

  How about that Superbowl!!!….

   I’m a Patriots fan, so it was not my most favorite. Here are my thoughts.. I don’t like extremely cocky players, for me that kind of behavior takes away from the game.   Not all agree with me, and that’s OK.  SO… I think Cam Newton and his team played outstanding this year and deserved a spot in the Bowl, but there is big attitude in that camp and lots of unsportsmanlike behavior in my opinion… and so perhaps they were knocked back a little  and reminded they are not Gods with this loss. Newton certainly appeared rattled, blowing a little tantrum as he lay in the field at one point.

   It was a weird game… kinda reminded me of preschool in some ways — there were players with what appeared to be  pacifiers in their mouths, some pattycake play, a temper tantrum or three or four…

(pic from another game, but here it is.. the new in-thing, the pacifier! )

   As for the poor behaviors – the excess celebratory gestures for even the littlest things, the pushing shoving stomp-on matches,.. the temper tantrums…   See, here’s where I think these athletes need to be held responsible for their behavior. They have kids and grown adults looking up to them, idolizing them… they’re paid a ridiculous amount.. so why can’t they be held to a certain standard of behavior?  They aren’t curing disease or saving lives, they play damn good ball, that’s it.  So .. at least set a good example or pay a hefty fine.. too much to ask?

This guy likes to do the Superman Gesture …

  To me the measure of a true athlete who deserves the worship is one who behaves well even in defeat.  Sorry, Cam.. Superman, you ain’t. Not because of the loss, dude, everyone loses sometimes…

GOod article in the New York Times about this very thing…. HERE

   The Broncos – also not their best, having many opportunities to pull ahead and yet not achieving them.  Their defense was stellar, and deserved the win.   In the end they managed it, and I’m happy for Peyton Manning.. who is or isn’t retiring after this win.

Weird Bowl for sure.

**************

 I love this tee shirt, decided to order it today from the Sundance catalog… my favorite “shop”. HOwever, they’ve gotten so expensive I don’t order much from them anymore..

**************

     I’ll close the post with a picture of the two sisters who arrived in CT yesterday afternoon – now known as Daisy and Dolly…. Their mom was an aussie, not a lab – I had that info wrong.  Dad was probably a rotti, me thinks.   These two are adored already – life is good!

KMax comeback and About That Quarter Horse

   
      My daughters show horse, Max, had colic surgery five months ago.  If the horse survives the colic and surgery, the recovery is a long process. The cost of colic surgery nowadays can be upwards of $12,000. and some folks opt to put the horse down simply because of the cost, let alone the recovery process.  We had medical insurance on Max, so we proceeded with surgery, even though he was 19 years old.  Max has done very well, thankfully, and at the five month mark, K can begin to ride him again – just a ten minute walk at first, building up to regular work routine within a few months.
 
      On Saturday we took a walk around the ring. I expected him to be jumpy, spooky, high as a kite after such a long hiatus.    Nope – he showed his quiet well behaved nature through and through –  I loved this horse before for taking good care of my daughter in the show pen, and I love him more for coming through this ordeal like the super trooper that he is.

     Max will be 20 years old this spring, so we’re not returning him to show.. he’ll live an easy retirement life here on the farm.  Oh, how I wish all horses had such luck.

     Both Max (left) and Opie (right) are Quarter Horses.  It’s my favorite breed and I’ve owned several over the years – the main reason is their temperament.  There are always exceptions, but the quarter horse is known for their steady, quiet, good natured no nonsense work ethic.  They have been bred over the years so that there is a wide variety of body types – Opie is old school – I call him my cow pony – he’s short and stout.  Max is taller and more refined, you can see it particularly in his head and neck, although those big ears are a throwback to… something else entirely.     His build makes him more versatile for different jobs in the show pen – he was ridden both English and Western and carried it off pretty well.

  P.S. … although it’s not the quarter horse culture way – I strongly recommend helmet wearing at all times when riding, no matter how sturdy you think your horse is.   Too many very seasoned riders have suffered dibilitating TBI’s from falls off their horse –  I discovered my helmet was taken over by mice in the tackroom, I’m shopping for a new one today.

 It’s a beautiful thing –

Christmas 2015

    There were a few meltdowns and a squabble or two… because I do keep it real here. But all in all it was a lovely Christmas –  some friends and some family – we were here, together, sharing  laughs, enjoying some good food, and many thoughtful  – useful- gifts were exchanged.

      Right this very minute at 7 am on the 26th the mister is  heading outside to take down the outside lights (he can’t help himself).. but I love our tree so much I told him it’s staying for another week. It’s been up since Thanksgiving weekend.   Meanwhile our 93 year old neighbor has just put her tree up with the help of her sons and she will enjoy it through January.   Which camp do you reside in? The early bird or the last minute into the new year Tree People?

      I hope your holiday was a joyous one in the ways that you like to celebrate with the people you care about. May we all be blessed with a healthy, happy, politically and mentally sane 2016.

-CLICK –

       At 50 I’m still learning, still growing up  ( and out, just ask my jeans)… but this, I know, is true – you’re never to old for personal growth.. just have to be open to it.  For me that  means letting go of a few things and owning up to a few others.

        Who among us hasn’t experienced  anguish, stress, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loss, regret, embarrassment,   pain – both emotional and physical.   It’s part of the experience of living, can’t be avoided.  The key is to roll with it, not let it consume you, not let it waste the “precious”…… the time we have to enjoy the things that mean the most.  What that is to each of us is probably very similar even in it’s differences.  It’s the little things, the things we might easily put aside if we let the negatives consume us, that can enrich us the most and help us find balance.
       
     One of my pure joys –  I take a lot of pictures.  Remember the little boy in the movie Sixth Sense and his famous line….. “I see dead people”.    If you’re a shutterbug, you know what I mean when I say… ” I see Pictures” … everywhere I go.  Meaning, I see things I want to capture, hold on to, stash in the memory file because I love them so…. in the slant of light on fallen leaves… in the regal stance of my dog on a stump in the field…. in the red hues of the trees behind my red horse.  You get the picture

….because she looooooooves her cat. 

                            … I get to walk this lane daily… in all seasons its a beautiful thing…

…these halloween geeks.. I love them so. 

   So go.. take pictures mentally or physically, see the beauty in all that is around you. It’s there in the steam off your morning coffee… in the light slanting through your windows, in the crayon scribble masterpiece your toddler left on the newly painted wall,  in the smile from a stranger just because… in the “thank you” your father mouthed as you turned to leave.    –   CLICK  – 

What remains

     So, the deconstructing of my fathers life continues.  We have managed to empty out his home completely, except for the cat, who needs a home as well.  First day on the market, it has sold, cash deal to close at the end of this month.  His car is also sold… both went very cheap, but at fair market value, hence the quick sales. It will be a blessing for him as the money will go to his care now.
    The cat… Felix.. the one thing he sheds a tear for and asks about repeatedly,  ( not the other daughter he never hears from or sees)… will need a new home also.  I haven’t worked that out yet.  I have ten days to do so, and then the new owner takes over.  Four dogs here and two of them would rip him apart. So that’s not an option.  He’s never seen horses and he’s used to a warm inside-the-house bed at night. I don’t think the barn is an option either.
     As for Dad… he has a very nice room with a pleasant view, right now all to himself. There are other men who live at the facility who are very nice, very capable, kindly even.  They, like him, still have all their marbles.  Good company if he chooses to reach out. We have introduced them.   I’ve set up a bird feeder outside his window and there is a candy bowl I keep filled for the caregivers who come and go. He now has his big recliner we bought him last year that lifts him out with a remote control. The chair seen below in the picture wasn’t going to be comfortable enough for someone who lives in his chair watching the tube.   He has a new flatscreen TV and is being waited on and the food is very good.  Indeed, despite his best/worst efforts.. he is a lucky man.
    There is still a lot of paperwork to wade through, meetings, things to set up, and time will tell if he’s truly settled and accepting.  My resentment at having to be the sole responsible party for his care waxes and wanes.  I’m still working at being kind. Most of the time I get it right, but not 100 percent of the time.   He’s still working at realizing all that is being done on his behalf.  We weren’t close.  I go through the motions at the nursing home as the caring daughter, the only family member who visits, but it feels like a lie.   And then it doesn’t.  Sometimes I feel good about the effort I’m making even when it’s a pain in the ass.   Sometimes it feels good to see him comfortable and apparently pleased with his surroundings. Sometimes I find the nearest ear and vent the anger I obviously still possess about many things.  That’s often my mother, who divorced him many many years ago.   Sometimes he pisses me off  and I walk out – like so many times before.  Saturday after bringing him more of what would make him comfortable, I was yelled at for not returning his wrist watch, which he had given me just 24 hours earlier to have the battery replaced. He was so angry, he shook.    The reason it stings is he’s not lost his marbles at all… he is not in pain.  Why the great anger over something so trivial when I am obviously giving him 150 percent.

     I came home upset, but my husband helped me see that deal more clearly.  He said –  “Karen… look at his life now.  Even though he’s comfortable and it’s a pleasant environment, it’s a huge change all the way around. It has to be frustrating for him to have so little control”.      

Truth, this.

   And yet it still stings me.  So,  at the age of 50, I still have some growing up to do.   A thin skin I still possess.

Heirloom Vermont

      I’ve figured it out, don’t ya know.  What is it about the state of Vermont?  It’s the feeling of going back in time a little… it’s the enjoyment of the simpler things in life.  It’s the less crowded highways and byways and back roads.

  Or.. it was.

 Yesterday, everyone and their sister, aunt, third cousin twice removed, ex-in laws and all of their fraternity and sorority brothers, apartment neighbors and church fellowship showed up.  Vermont has been discovered, times ten.

  We took our annual road trip to Scott farm in Dummerston, (I’ve blogged about that before if you want to read more on it.. put Vermont in the search box on my blog and the post will come up.) … where this year unbeknownst to us  they held their Heirloom Apple Festival on the same day as the Heritage Festival in Newfane, just up the road.  So.. there were many people at the Orchard.  It was lovely, though, and we brought home some delicious Heirloom apple varieties (hidden rose, it’s rose colored flesh!) and sampled and bought some hard cider.. and my favorite.. apple cider made from many varieties of heirloom apples…Liquid Gold, I’m tellin ya!

  Then we headed over the hill and came across an Apple Pie Festival that apparently  is also a favorite place for about 2,000 motorcyclists to descend upon.  That’s just a little slice of it….

 Took us a bit to get through the swarm and down to the river, across the beautiful covered Dummerston Bridge (also in previous post).  Then about five miles up Vermont Route 30 to The Heritage Festival in Newfane.   What I love about Newfane, nestled at the base of some low lying mountains… it’s beautiful. It’s unassuming. It’s a quiet town that pays homage to the way life was years ago.. simpler. The houses, churches and Union Hall well made with attention to detail, most cared for,  porches now piled high with firewood for the coming winter, tractors in many yards, whether ornamental or still in use… standing the test of time.  We actually came across some friends from Connecticut, enjoying the day in the same way.

     It’s a beautiful thing.

the 4th and things that go bump in the night….

   The 4th of July weekend weather was beautiful – we had just a few family members over for some food and fun and RELAXATION – something we don’t do enough of around here.. if you’re asking me.  The only glitch was poor Frasier, who gets frantic when thunder or fireworks appear. 
     The hay was harvested and we had some fun before the rolls were taken away…

   
  On another note – mom took a tumble in a parking garage in Hartford last week and we spent a bit of time at the Hartford Hospital ER.   Ever try to remain perfectly calm with very little HORRIFIED expression on your face as you sit with a person who’s arm is, you know, NOT ALIGNED and at a peculiar angle …and  said person is asking you if they should look at it… and you try like hell not to sound like you’re hyperventilating as you say.. HELL NO!  DO NOT LOOK AT IT. NOPE!!.. JUST DON’T!… 
I don’t know.. I think I really should have just gone with a simple “Nah, just keep looking over here”. 
But I don’t think I came remotely close. 
Anyway, Mom was a trooper through the whole damned thing – surgery tomorrow.  Say a little prayer for the plate and screw revival.