Tag: life

A bag of split peas

       I rushed through the isles grabbing this and grabbing that while trying to remember what my Dad needed at the -home- and what my family needed at the homestead.  I felt the usual irritation rising at the prospect of another visit there to drop the stuff off, which was probably driving the rush down the isles (it wasn’t necessary, the hurriedness…. nor was the irritation if I’m being truthful).  I pulled into a checkout line and flipped through the e mail on my phone until it was time to unload the “stuff” onto the belt. I did it with stealth speed, true thing.

      Then I noticed her.  An older woman who looked like she had seen hard times for sure.  She held a single item in her hands, a bag of split peas.  If I had bothered to look around just a little, I would have seen that she had been behind me.. with one item. Although she was waiting patiently, I surely would have let her go ahead of me, had I noticed anything besides my own hurriedness  in that few moments.  When our eyes met, I apologized for not having realized she had just one thing and I surely should have let her go ahead of me.  She was kind with her response, indeed.  No irritation in HER stance.   I had the cashier add her one little bag to my total and said Merry Christmas.  I almost felt foolish doing so, but let me tell you …..

  It may as well have been a bag of gold.  Her eyes lit up as if she could not believe her good fortune at having a simple bag of split peas paid for by a stranger.

One.. Simple.. Little.. Thing.

She has no idea, but she taught me something and she made my day.  Hell, she made my Christmas.  Her face.. her gratitude.. over something so.. little!…

And just like that, my day was turned around.

It’s All Good.

Of Turkeys and Trees

   I do love Thanksgiving, the sentiment, the food, and I don’t want to be one of those who skips right over it because of the importance of being thankful .. grateful…  But my truth is it marks the beginning of  the Christmas season I love even more.
   I love holiday lights on a hushed snowy night.  I love seeing candles in my friends and neighbors windows.  I love christmas cookies and christmas trees and ornaments and wreaths on doors and Charlie Brown specials on TV – I love finding or making meaningful or useful gifts for my family.  I love trying a new recipe and making some of the old favorites.  I love finding silly things to put in the kids stockings (they are 26 and 19 and I still stuff their stockings)    I love that my kids love our traditions and I hope they keep them through the years and pass them down  in whatever ways hold the most meaning to them.  
    Some of you may think I’m missing the most important thing. The reason for the season in the first place.  Well, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am not religious.  What I know is that I don’t know, and so I go about this holiday in the spirit I think it is intended whether you are a religious person or not… the spirit of caring, of giving, of sharing, of hope and joy and a wish for peace and good will toward all.
      This week I will gather with family and we will eat and laugh and drink and probably bicker as well.  But we will be together – Amen.
     Come Friday – I’m hauling out Christmas.  

     Happy Thanksgiving, all –

Home

     Something I have always believed in is how important it is to put effort into making your home a place of respite, a refuge, a welcoming space. My grandmother had a small house that she made so warm and inviting for family and friends and I appreciated it even as a child.
      We can’t control what goes on outside but whatever we face, being surrounded by things we love and feeling embraced when we walk in the door is so important. That doesn’t have to mean -money- or big elaborate spaces. A collection of beach rocks….feathers found on woods walks… The kids art projects, dog toys heaped in a big basket,  etc… All free, all add warmth and meaning. Choosing colors you find soothing or energizing for wall paint, sheets, pillows, etc. goes a long way and doesn’t break the bank. Switch up the furniture in a room, gives a whole new feel. Sometimes it gives the furniture a whole new purpose. 
     In my frustration over the horror show that is the news, I’ve taken a look around the house and de cluttered some, switched up furniture, bought a half price sale rug and put it in the bathroom. Feels like rejuvenation without spending much at all. Feeling down? Take a look around and de clutter, swap around, add a color. It’s good for the soul.
     The road home is more enjoyable when you know you’re landing in a place of peace. I wish that for all of you – 


This area held the kitchen table until a few days ago when we moved it over to the fireplace and swapped this stuff into the space instead. Now those chairs are actually getting used
and the kitchen table is in a more open and inviting space.  
It all works so much better now and it looks like we did the place over. 
More pics soon… 
Oh, what a half price sale rug can do for a bathroom… really
warmed it up.  And those two little topiary trees…
you wouldn’t think to put them in a bathroom but they
add just the right non-bathroom  anti-antiseptic touch. 
My Christmas Cactus haven’t even waited for Thanksgiving this year…



the boyz in raincoats…

Bailey with the look thats saying –  “Nooo, really? Now? But I’m comfortable, mom.”  – 
 not wanting to give up her perch so I can change the bedding… 

         The holiday season is upon us and I’m looking forward to sharing food and laughs and stories with others and I pray for peace to blanket the earth, for sanity and Good to trump all else. One can always hope.  As always, thanks for stopping by.

-CLICK –

       At 50 I’m still learning, still growing up  ( and out, just ask my jeans)… but this, I know, is true – you’re never to old for personal growth.. just have to be open to it.  For me that  means letting go of a few things and owning up to a few others.

        Who among us hasn’t experienced  anguish, stress, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loss, regret, embarrassment,   pain – both emotional and physical.   It’s part of the experience of living, can’t be avoided.  The key is to roll with it, not let it consume you, not let it waste the “precious”…… the time we have to enjoy the things that mean the most.  What that is to each of us is probably very similar even in it’s differences.  It’s the little things, the things we might easily put aside if we let the negatives consume us, that can enrich us the most and help us find balance.
       
     One of my pure joys –  I take a lot of pictures.  Remember the little boy in the movie Sixth Sense and his famous line….. “I see dead people”.    If you’re a shutterbug, you know what I mean when I say… ” I see Pictures” … everywhere I go.  Meaning, I see things I want to capture, hold on to, stash in the memory file because I love them so…. in the slant of light on fallen leaves… in the regal stance of my dog on a stump in the field…. in the red hues of the trees behind my red horse.  You get the picture…

….because she looooooooves her cat. 

                            … I get to walk this lane daily… in all seasons its a beautiful thing…

…these halloween geeks.. I love them so. 

   So go.. take pictures mentally or physically, see the beauty in all that is around you. It’s there in the steam off your morning coffee… in the light slanting through your windows, in the crayon scribble masterpiece your toddler left on the newly painted wall,  in the smile from a stranger just because… in the “thank you” your father mouthed as you turned to leave.    –   CLICK  – 

Anger and letting it go

   You all  know I’m opinionated and vocal about it if you’ve been reading here for a while.    I’m getting tired of it.  Quite frankly, it’s not good for me.  The experience with my father that has me dismantling his previous life has put me on edge in a way that isn’t healthy for anyone.   I’ve been at odds with my mother on a few things relating to my dad, my husband for the same reason,  The lawyer I thought I should use for Title 19 issues then realized that was so unnecessary for a heck of a lot of money –  My kids are just there and are probably feeling my frustrations as well, although they have nothing to do with it really.  I took one of my dogs for a walk last night to unwind and I found myself snapping at him just a little too sharply when he strayed too far up the trail.  Like maybe five feet too far.  *SNAP.

  That’s when I said… Whoa.  Who is this.  What are you doing here, Karen.  Is this how you want to be?  Is this what you want to feel every waking moment?  Life is too short. LET. IT. GO.    And what are you holding on to, exactly…. do you even know?    How often have we all heard that simple concept.   Let It Go.

   Even though I said those things to myself last night…. I again found myself aggravated this morning about something that’s not all that important in the grand scheme of things.  And to be honest.. I was just about to type the offense and my defense at the unjust behavior here in this post.  But again… it really does come back to… do I want to feel this way?  These things are gonna happen in life… it is what it is.  People have issues, people struggle. They react because of their own baggage, usually has nothing to do with those they react to unjustly,   Do I let it consume me or do I LET IT GO.

   Hard, hard thing… this kind of change, and yet it seems like it should just be so simple.

   So here I go again… I’m going to try like hell to Let It Go.. and just be and do and see and hear and BREATHE.   Maybe -feel- with a little less hurt and a little more empathy.

   Speaking of which – Update on my Dad –  he is settling in at the nursing home – a good and upbeat one by most standards.  He is subdued, and sits most hours of the day in his lounge chair stairing at the TV in a dark room.  We introduced him to a few very nice men who live at the same facility.  He has yet to reach out,  but he might at some point.  He has a beautiful window that he keeps drawn closed.  My hope is that he finally learns to reach out and expand his life to include others in a way that will enrich his own.    Is it the ending to a life story he would choose?  No.  But he steered the ship to where it landed and I’m doing the best I can to make his ship-ashore experience a comfortable one.  Although our relationship was a strained one, it really does feel good to do right by someone, for no other reason than to know that you are showing some mercy, compassion,, doing some good.

   I think.. I hope.. I actually pray… that I am finding my way there.  Suddenly it feels like it.  Thank you for all your kind words. I so appreciate each of your perspectives. We all live a similar and yet different experience coming from all different places and sharing those things opens us up to a bigger perception.    Amen.

What remains

     So, the deconstructing of my fathers life continues.  We have managed to empty out his home completely, except for the cat, who needs a home as well.  First day on the market, it has sold, cash deal to close at the end of this month.  His car is also sold… both went very cheap, but at fair market value, hence the quick sales. It will be a blessing for him as the money will go to his care now.
    The cat… Felix.. the one thing he sheds a tear for and asks about repeatedly,  ( not the other daughter he never hears from or sees)… will need a new home also.  I haven’t worked that out yet.  I have ten days to do so, and then the new owner takes over.  Four dogs here and two of them would rip him apart. So that’s not an option.  He’s never seen horses and he’s used to a warm inside-the-house bed at night. I don’t think the barn is an option either.
     As for Dad… he has a very nice room with a pleasant view, right now all to himself. There are other men who live at the facility who are very nice, very capable, kindly even.  They, like him, still have all their marbles.  Good company if he chooses to reach out. We have introduced them.   I’ve set up a bird feeder outside his window and there is a candy bowl I keep filled for the caregivers who come and go. He now has his big recliner we bought him last year that lifts him out with a remote control. The chair seen below in the picture wasn’t going to be comfortable enough for someone who lives in his chair watching the tube.   He has a new flatscreen TV and is being waited on and the food is very good.  Indeed, despite his best/worst efforts.. he is a lucky man.
    There is still a lot of paperwork to wade through, meetings, things to set up, and time will tell if he’s truly settled and accepting.  My resentment at having to be the sole responsible party for his care waxes and wanes.  I’m still working at being kind. Most of the time I get it right, but not 100 percent of the time.   He’s still working at realizing all that is being done on his behalf.  We weren’t close.  I go through the motions at the nursing home as the caring daughter, the only family member who visits, but it feels like a lie.   And then it doesn’t.  Sometimes I feel good about the effort I’m making even when it’s a pain in the ass.   Sometimes it feels good to see him comfortable and apparently pleased with his surroundings. Sometimes I find the nearest ear and vent the anger I obviously still possess about many things.  That’s often my mother, who divorced him many many years ago.   Sometimes he pisses me off  and I walk out – like so many times before.  Saturday after bringing him more of what would make him comfortable, I was yelled at for not returning his wrist watch, which he had given me just 24 hours earlier to have the battery replaced. He was so angry, he shook.    The reason it stings is he’s not lost his marbles at all… he is not in pain.  Why the great anger over something so trivial when I am obviously giving him 150 percent.

     I came home upset, but my husband helped me see that deal more clearly.  He said –  “Karen… look at his life now.  Even though he’s comfortable and it’s a pleasant environment, it’s a huge change all the way around. It has to be frustrating for him to have so little control”.      

Truth, this.

   And yet it still stings me.  So,  at the age of 50, I still have some growing up to do.   A thin skin I still possess.

Stripped

  What do I say about the state of Dad’s affairs…. Hmmm… well.. the word above, stripped.. yes, that’s it in a nutshell. 
    He’s 79 and up until now, with some help from my husband and I, he’s been able to live independently despite his best efforts to not live a very healthy lifestyle.   Truth be told, we saw him now and then, but not even every week.  He lived his little bit of a life, comfortably and on his own terms.  I say – little bit of a life-  because he didn’t always treat those near him well,  and so family and friends dropped away and he was left with the few relationships he hadn’t neglected too much over the years.   Almost-strangers liked him well enough though, he was a  swell guy!  Case in point – I had to go the Town Hall yesterday to get a copy of the deed to his house, etc… the ladies there said – So sorry to hear of your dad’s decline, he was SUCH a NICE GUY.”.   I thanked them and said I would let dad know they were thinking of him. 
    
    The irony is …..he was so dysfunctional with his family relationships, including his siblings, who are now deceased – yet to almost-strangers he was Such a Nice Guy.  My sister wrote him off a long time ago, hasn’t even been to visit him, and he’s not even concerned, doesn’t even ask.  I still ask my 10 year old self… why was he so nice to  almost-strangers? Why was it so hard for him to be normal with his own family?  Normal. Just that, nothing more was ever asked of him. I still experience the ten year old anxieties, but now instead of the accompanying anger, it’s just the bewilderment at how someone can be so self-centered and absorbed without much though for others for the whole of his life.

  And now.. because of those choices he made, he’s exactly where he was headed in the end. Pretty much alone.  My conscience won’t allow me to just walk away from the guy sitting in the wheelchair at the rehab facility with his 20 percent heart function that just doesn’t  allow him the stamina to walk down the hall anymore, the ever present oxygen nearby if not being worn.   I actually have to remind myself every time I step into his room –  be kind, kindness, no arguments, just do it, ignore any stupid remarks, it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter now.  It doesn’t matter.

   What does matter is I have to figure out where he goes next, and if any of you have experienced the title 19 process, it’s hell on wheels.  Basically, my father needs assistance for the remainder of his life, medical, physical, etc. etc. He wants to go home – even if for just a little longer – he says.  Yet he really can’t.  He doesn’t have the money, because he never planned well for these things, or many things at all, for the care he would need.  Medicare is almost used up, the rehab place is ready to kick him out of their system, initial discharge was Thursday and yet where is he supposed to go?  He can’t – go home-.  He can’t just go – out-.  There needs to be a plan. They are looking at ME for the plan. It’s a job I didn’t sign up for, and don’t want.  But there it is.

      Medicaid will allow him to live in a nursing home with the medical and physical support he needs to get through his remaining days comfortably.  Title 19 is the only way to do it.  Title 19 takes every last thing you own, fair enough.  Title 19 takes months to process.  Four weeks ago we didn’t know he would need Title 19.   So, I had to hire an attorney to facilitate title 19, and help me jump through the hoops to get him into a facility not far from us so I can monitor his care and needs.  They have you fill out a workbook with his finances.  Their fee?  They don’t tell you until they’ve seen the completed workbook.   It’s substantial… and…. it happens to be the total amount that was left in his savings account. To the penny. That just feels a little dirty to me.  But.. it is what it is, and we need their assistance. The state gets what they aren’t paid anyway.    Out of his SS check monthly, the state will take that too, besides his assets, and he will get a $60 per month allowance.  That is supposed to pay for his haircuts, toiletries, any clothing he might need, if he wants to buy an ice cream.   – really-.   *sigh

   I meet with the lawyer and him on Friday to discuss all of this, to explain to him what has to happen, and to have him sign over all the last threads of what he managed to hold on to until now.  That includes his beloved and decrepit 94 Chevy Cavalier, that he believed he could take to the nursing home with him for the occasions when he gets bored and wants to go for a ride.   – *sigh again.

  Stripped, and I feel sorry for him, and yet I don’t.  And yet…. 

Grab a cup -a-joe, this is a long one.

    First.. the debate. Holy sh*t.  Really?  Almost every one of them sunk right down to the low depths we’ve seen in recent years. Nothing new. It actually looked like a comedy act.   I was looking at that line-up and said over and over again.. really??… Is that ALL ya got, Republican America??….. *sigh.  As much as many people LOVE that Donald Trump is railing against the machine we’re all coming to distrust and maybe even hate –  He’s not coming up with ONE SINGLE ANSWER  for the many major problems we face.  Not one.   – I talk to people all over the world all the time, I am the great deal maker, I think I can get along with him! I would talk to him! I have great people, great teams, She’s ugly, he took money from me, I went to her wedding because she asked and for business sake I did it! I will build a great wall!  I am a builder!!….     Please. Please…. just shut up and go home.   So glad Walker had the good sense to go home.  Huckabee is too religiously emphatical . He’s a preacher, not a President.  Fiorina, well I had hopes…. but if you read into her true story, she is a bitch with a capital B and a liar.   While a little backbone and a strong woman in office is appealing, that kind of Bitch is not what we all want in office for four to eight years.  Disagree?  Ok, if after you’ve read her full history and yes, the lies being told, you still want to stand by her, you go ahead, it’s your right after all. And hey, she’s not the only one lying.. they all do it! To be fair.     Christie is hated by his own New Jerseyites, and he’s a thug, plain and simple.  Rubio – I kinda like him until he starts his warmongering crap, then I think I really don’t want his finger over the nuclear war buttons.  Carson – nice guy!  I bet he was a heck of a brain surgeon! Doesn’t have any experience whatsoever in this field,  and wants to defund planned parenthood, and that’s just stupid on so many levels –   so… yeah.  And I just don’t think America is going to elect another black President right at this point in time. We weren’t mature enough to do it the first time and not much as changed.  Jeb Bush – I don’t think he’s a bad guy, surprised he wasn’t the one back when George 2 was elected. But the whole lot of them is more of the same, I truly believe it.   What a zoo.  Actually zoos are filled with animals, who have more integrity.  Not a fair comparison.  If you disagree with me on any of this, I have no problem hearing you out in the comments below. I understand this is just my view and your points may be valid. Just be kind in your delivery.  Speaking of which….. 
     My Dad.  Well.  His insurance (Medicare) has done a fine job of covering his needs up to this point and I hope that continues.  His issue is – he’s in a very nice rehab facility now where they are treating him well and monitoring his condition but can’t really do much with him as far as rehab goes because he’s got that dang 20 percent heart function.  He’s realizing it ain’t going away and the idea of going -home- where he lives alone, just probably isn’t going to come to fruition.  Since I am the only family member willing to deal with his -issues – I am left with the difficult conversations to have with him, with the health care providers… with the  chores that come with his needs at this point, like doing his laundry and feeding his cat and doing his banking and cleaning his home and visiting him regularly and buying him this and that and those things too,  at reconciling the not-so-awesome relationship I have with him …. (literally every time I walk into his room I am chanting, be kind Karen, Be kind.)  He said to me yesterday –  Jeez, I think this is probably it!  It’s over.   And I said.. well, you’re still here, and you have all your marbles.  You look alive to me, so you have to decide what you want the time you have left to look like.  It’s your decision if you will make the best of it or let it take you down.    We’re talking about nursing homes, and I’ve had to look into what title 19 will require.  His few assets will need to be turned over to the state. That’s another ugly conversation I am not looking forward to.  I keep asking myself, are you being kind, Karen? In your delivery, in your tone of voice?  Because the sad reality is it’s not easy for me to be kind to him.  And that’s not a great feeling inside of me. Still searching for a way to let that go… been trying for years. 
     *sigh… I had more to say but that’s enough to digest in one morning, don’t ya think?  None of us really needs more rants, we need blue skies and palomino ponies.  Just that.. are ya in?… let’s go. 
      

Bullsh*t

  This is the state of our health insurance situation right now.  Because of the Affordable care act, which I admittedly had high hopes for…. because our nations health insurance programs sucked for many…..  Anyway… because of that lovely new deal we were cancelled by Blue Cross Blue Shield.. unless we wanted to pay $400. more PER MONTH. for our family’s health insurance.  Even though President Obama promised if we liked our plan, we could keep it.  That was wrong.   So we switched to Connecticare (HA!).. care, really??…. because it would be about the same as we were paying per month. Which ain’t cheap.  And we’re all pretty healthy. 
  Two things.. for the same money, we’re getting less services covered.  And… the new drug plan which they call the Freedom Drug Plan – IRONY!!!…  really.. really .. sucks.  This is happening all over the country and I bet a few of you have had a similar issue.     –   I have high blood pressure despite being active and healthy, a non smoker non drinker otherwise.  Over the past few years my doctor has prescribed several drugs that either didn’t have any affect, had terrible side effects or I was allergic to.   We finally found a drug that works perfectly with no side effects – Benicar.  Amen!  How happy I am.  Benicar has no generic form yet, patent up next year… then there’s hope for a generic.  For now, Connecticare refuses to pay for it… instead insisting I keep trying the other drugs I’ve already tried without success.. maybe take MORE of them to see if they work any better.   They have refused both my GP and Cardiologists requests.  Not sufficient evidence that I can’t keep trying other drugs. That’s their reason.  Awesome. 
My father had a heart attack last week.  He has 20 percent heart function as a result and has congestive heart failure.  He’s also experienced periods of not being able to breathe, having been intubated for 24 hours when it got real bad.  Just two days after that, he was kicked out of the hospital and sent to a rehab facility  – where he relapsed and had another attack just 48 hours later.  Back to the hospital in an ambulance he went.   The center told me he should never have been sent there because they are not equipped for cardiac rehab, no monitors, no IV ability, etc… it appears the hospital was just looking for a place for him to go that wasn’t THE HOSPITAL.. even though they were aware of his grave condition.   Awesome.  
Anything to save a buck.  Mr President… I have to wonder… is this what you had in mind? Meanwhile.. my cousin who hasn’t worked in ten years .. just because, really….. is THRILLED with the ACA because he finally has insurance again, FREE.  He laughs about it. Not funny.   
There is something very wrong with hardworking individuals paying a big price for those who just choose not to work.  I get it when people can’t help themselves or are trying and struggling  – its why I had high hopes for the ACA,  we need to help them.  But there are too many cases where this isn’t the case, it’s abuse… and we should be able to pick our best health options. 
Meanwhile.. tonight.. the debate.  This oughta be interesting. 
  

Fixing the broken….

  So… this summer.  *sigh.

  Mom broke her arm, it was ugly.  She was a trooper, and  that has healed nicely. She’s driving again and living life as it should be lived. Although I still catch her holding that arm out to the side like it’s a defective piece of merchandise that might spew filth on her being at any moment.  (Hi Mom!)  

  Max the horse is home and loving retirement life, he’s living the good life for sure, healing nicely. Amen.  (Diane this one’s for you 🙂

  Dad suffered a heart attack the other day.  His second, plus a stroke about 10 years ago.  He must have nine lives.  Right now operating on 20 percent heart function, breathing on his own again after being intubated for 24 hours, but still there is the congested (congestive?)  heart failure issue.   He’s flirting with the nurses so I know he’s still who he is.  What he will be, though, moving forward, is a question mark.  Will he be able to go home and live on his own?  How long does a congested heart stay clear of the fluid buildup. Should he be driving?  He’ll answer yes for sure, but that doesn’t make it right.   Our relationship .. that’s a tough one.  I am the only person (plus my husband) who is there for him at this stage of his life… and I keep saying to myself.. Kindness, Karen.  Find it.. show it.

   Rudy the dachshund bloated this afternoon after digging in the dog food bag and pretty much submerging himself in there until we noticed.  He’s been acting odd lately and has had a voracious appetite for food and water.  Had him tested, – nothing.  Not diabetes, blood work good, heart good, not cushings positive, just borderline.. and yet the behavior.  So tonight he was gorging himself and bloated out.  A trip to the vet, stomach pumping, some morphine-like stuff, and he’s home and resting sorta comfortable.

  *good times.