Tag: ha ha

Rude

 I drove five hours –with my mother!- to go pick him up from his birth place in Pennsylvania.  Each Way!  We’re talking a 10 hour car ride – with my mother!

  When we finally got there, he was brought into the exam room and literally leaped into my arms, which was quite an accomplishment because he only weighed about three lbs at 10 weeks old and didn’t know me at all!  My mother said it was a sign that he was meant to be mine, he just knew I would be his mother.   Or something.

 We intended to call him Chandler – I couldn’t tell you why. But Rudy was brought up as a possibility and I have never been drawn to the name, but for some reason it seemed to fit him. 

I shoulda read into that sign.

 He barks incessantly, he has bitten, he is a wuss when the wind blows and he pees on everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING. He drank Christmas tree stand water once and was poisoned so badly he spent two weeks at the veterinarian  looking yellow.  $1,000.  later his liver was fixed.   Merry Christmas indeed.

 Chicken Coop complete!
     Rudy does his thing…  

Apple and pear trees planted…
Rudy’s keeping up…

Since we’re talking potty talk here…
Remember the pile of chicken sh*t in the back field? Well, half of it’s still there
because the manure spreader died right before the snow flew.
The remainder is being spread this coming weekend if weather permits
and we will NEVER EVER EVER get chicken sh*t for fertilizer again.
Ever.

However…. take note of Exhibit A below…
  The field on the left of the stone wall has not yet been fortified with chicken sh*t
The field on the right has. 
In this case, the grass is definitely greener on the other side.
**********
Mrs. N.’s cabin on the hill – a very charming place and she’s agreed to another tour –
Despite the cold rainy days, things are starting to green up and the trees have
their red bud haze….

My blueberry and raspberry bushes arrived…

And soon the garden plot in the lower field will have a cedar post and mesh fence to keep deer out –
 He is a pisser.

It’s a Wonder I Ever Survived

…. without his great knowledge and superior wisdom…

Him:  Mom, don’t park back here, it’s not cool. Please move up there next time.
Me:  What’s the difference?  It’s like… 30 feet away from up there.
Him: ( Heavy sigh and eye roll).  Just park up there. Parking here is just stupid.
Me:   I’m sorry, I didn’t see the – Stupid Parking Only –  sign here.
——————————————————————————————-

Him:  MOM!..don’t buy this anymore, I don’t like it.
Me:   Umm.. it was one of the only three things you’d actually eat about two weeks ago??…
Him:   That was two weeks ago, I don’t like it anymore.
Me:  OK then.

——————————————————————————————

Him: Mom, don’t ask him if he needs a ride, he WANTS to walk.
Me:  Well it’s cold out, let me make sure.
Him:  NO MOM, that’s so not cool! He WANTS to walk. Omg.
Me:  It’s cold out, I’m going to ask.
Him: ( A sigh so heavy it could drop Hulk Hogan.)

He didn’t want the ride. 

Him:  I told you.

——————————————————————————————-

Him:  Those sneakers are so dorky. You’re not wearing them, are you?
Me:   I sure am.

and you know what came next.

QUICK!!  Ask your teenagers anything you want to know!!!!
While they still… know…. EVERYTHING

When Men Bake Cookies….

   
   We have not gotten the snow accumulation this storm was supposed to bring (thankfully) however we are now being pelted with sleet and there’s a coating of ice on anything and everything.  The next few days are supposed to be very cold, so all this sleet will contribute to the ice – no school yesterday and today…and I’m going a little stir-crazy, can ya tell?  Looking across the nation..and even over in Australia!…the weather has been frighteningly crazy for the past few years- as if the world is telling us something.

 I made these cookies for the Man when he comes home from yet another day of storm damage management….
Somehow I think it would have had more effect if I had made the batch up top …
Just sayin.

White… as in Betty

  When I’m  tossing in bed with middle age insomnia, nothing makes me happier than finding Golden Girls in reruns.  I have loved Betty White since I was a young girl watching Mary Tyler Moore in my grandmother’s TV room.  Who can forget the evil Sue Ann Nivens –

I loved her as Rose, the lovable ditz on the Golden Girls…

That show had so much appeal – when the girls are discussing the issues of the day and trading hilarious barbs, there’s the feeling that you’re right there in the kitchen with them. They were real, they were humorous without having to be obscene… although there was certainly some raunch, but tastefully done. The show had class, the women had class, they made you want to know them, root for them, laugh  and cry with them.
Some fun facts about GG: 
– Bea’s two hit shows (Golden Girls & Maude) ended because she decided to leave.

– Estelle Getty (Sophia) is younger than her on screen daughter, Dorothy (Bea Arthur).

– The Golden Girls were nominated for 57 Emmys. (7 of them for “Best Comedy Series”)

– The Golden Girls has two spin-offs: “Empty Nest” and “The Golden Palace”.

– According to the E! TV Tales, TGG shares a special coincidence with All In the Family. Both shows are the only two in television history where the main characters all won an Emmy Award.

– Bea Arthur hates cheesecake. Said dessert was featured in almost 100 episodes in the series.

– Betty White was originally supposed to play Blanche, and Rue McClanahan Rose. However, Betty didn’t want to play another “sexpot” like Sue Ann Nivens. She was caught off-guard when they asked her to read for the part, but it turned out to be wonderful!

– It was Rue McClanahan’s idea to give Blanche a Southern accent.

– The first episode of The Golden Girls attracted more than 25 million viewers and was the #1 show that week, beating out the NBC powerhouse, The Cosby Show.

– Bea actually wanted to leave the series after season 5 but was coaxed to stay for 2 more seasons. (thankfully!)

– None of the Golden Girls have daughters in real life.

– Estelle Getty suffered from stage fright every Friday night for 26 weeks.

– It took 45 minutes in make-up for Estelle to be transformed into Sophia.

  SO… when I heard about Hot In Cleveland with Betty White and a great cast including some terrific comedic actresses, I was thrilled!…. and it took me a whole year to find it on a local cable channel.  I finally found it way up in the 300 block of channels… and watched my first episode, which aired this week.  I don’t know..is it just me?  Betty White was terrific in her roll, as always… but… the show fell flat for me and I can’t really put my finger on it…too cliche’ or cheap, kinda throws women under the bus a little….. or something. 

 I wish these girls the best because they’re all terrific – but this girl didn’t find Cleveland quite so Hot.

A Fish Tale

 I have a confession to make.  I killed Henry, it’s that simple.


 
 Every few days I gave Henry fresh distilled water that I keep under the sink.  I carefully tip the bowl just enough so that water flows over the edge into the sink (you see where this is going already, don’t you) getting rid of  the  food, plant and fish waste that sinks to the bottom.  Someone distracted me for a second the other day, I turned to answer a question and Henry… flopped…out.  I quickly scooped him up and placed him back in his bowl….only to find that my pinky finger had jammed into his gill in doing so and it was perpetually OPEN.  I stroked it, trying to get it to lay flat again, but it was clear he was drowning.  Wasn’t a darn thing I could do.   You’re welcome for the visual. 

I felt sick, heartbroken, really…. to know I had done this to a living thing.  Now you may be thinking he’s just a fish….but Henry had a personality, you know.  He got to knowing when it was feeding time and would swim in a frenzy when he saw that I bent over to the place where I keep his food.  His happiness in acquiring a larger living environment was evident in the way he displayed his fineage.
RIP, Henry.

 Fast forward an hour a day or so, and I can’t stand looking at that empty bowl on the kitchen island next to the christmas cactus.   It  screams ‘MURDERER’.   So off to Petco I go to rescue another Betta from one of those tiny little tupperware-like containers they keep them in.

 He is known as a Half-Moon Betta – his fuschia and deep red colors are so vivid.  I have not come up with a name yet and I’m asking for your help in finding something suitable.    My guilt runs so deep I bought THIS guy a castle. 

He has sort of an angry expression on his little face – I think he knows what I’ve done.  

 See what I mean?

What this New Englander does…

…when it’s colder outside than a witches behind after flying over Antarctica on Halloween.

 I saw something like that on someone else’s blog and it just cracked me up – forgive  the plagiarism 🙂

 I love the beauty of snow in winter, the soft muffled silence in the outdoors,  the crystal icicles hanging from rooftops   (did you know… if you see a lot of icicles hanging from a house, it means there is poor insulation and heat that was paid for with hard earned money is escaping via the roof?  You learn something new every day! ) .

  I’m happy to report there are no icicles hanging from this old house. The bad news in that little bit of information is… the house was rebuilt so tight,  we just discovered that when you attempt to start a fire in a second fire place and the first is already lit, the house fills with smoke and the alarms go off and the fire company and alarm company both call you immediately to ask what’s going on and do you need assistance and you tell them no please don’t come it’s just smoke and everything is OK we’re cracking windows and they ask what is the password please ma’am and you… had better…. remember it.

 I didn’t.

I knew it was a pets name so I rattled off every pet I have ever owned in the past 45 years.  That’s more than a few and I’m sure there was more than an eye roll on the other side of the phone.

 What I don’t love about winter is the freak’n cold. As I get older it seeps deeper into my bones and I find just a little less joy in the season of chill.   So right about this time of year I turn to these things for comfort and dream a little dream of Spring.

 Fingerless mitts – whoever invented these – I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I used to think they were a little silly –
until I wore a pair and my silly self was much less chilly.

 Must have reading material on night stand at all times  –

Especially this kind –

 I’m planting blueberry bushes this year – might order a half dozen from this catalog

Root beer floats hit the spot and stave off boredom – this is why I shouldn’t  make resolutions.
  I don’t keep them very well.

And lest we want to tick off the alarm Co. one more time…
I now know the code and I’m seriously considering tattooing it to the inside of my wrist. 

At the end of the day

    Have you ever known someone who uses a certain phrase, constantly, whenever he or she can fit it in?  Even when it is completely uneccessary or totally redundant?    Mike’s favorite line (besides “what did you buy now“)  is “The reality is…”   and I mean, he puts that three words in a place where no one was even searching  for the truth. 

 “The reality is, we’re not leaving until you pick your stuff up and put it away.”

 And just where was the facade in this scenario?    

Then we’ve got a soccer/baseball parent who starts every major sentence with  “At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done“…. as in…   “At the end of the day,when it’s all said and done, we’re not gonna win this thing until we start playing as a team”.

 That only happens at the end of the day?   And what happens if you didn’t say everything?

 Oh, I’m not exempt.  I say “OK then”… when I find there’s really not much more to say or I’m flabbergasted enough to be stumped.    Atleast it’s compliant, right?   An expression of acceptance… like “It is what it Is”….which I’m also guilty of.  Again…harmonious in it’s acceptance of things as they are, no?  It fits just about anywhere if you think about it. 

   Anyway… the real reason for this post wasn’t that, but this…

At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, the reality is, the light filters down toward This Old House as the sun sets gently over the hill, casting a warm amber glow over her rooms.   I like to take this time to sit with a cup of tea,  put the worries of the day aside and accept that it IS what it IS.

Ok then.

    

I’ve been unfaithful

  We’ve been together for a long time, not really sure when it began to go sour.  So many good times – picnics at the park, family gatherings, The Vineyard, St. John, long walks with the dogs,  romantic sunsets on the beach.  I thought it would never end, the pure joy when we were together.

But …relationships change, needs change… and I began to want more.  I grew, but the rebel didn’t.  What we had was a comfortable existence, but it wasn’t enough.   And so…  when tall, dark, handsome and extremely well equipped showed up on my doorstep, I let go of the past and grabbed  hold of  the future with reckless abandon.

   While the attraction was instant,  the relationship is still very new.  I’m treading lightly here. There are fits and starts as we get to know each other, not sure if I’m pushing all the right buttons – but already there is music and I am in love.  I can no longer deny my feelings… and … we’ve  been photographed together so the Jig is Up.

 I guess this is it… good bye, my rebel friend.

And HELLO CANON EOS 7D. 

(God help me.  Or atleast give me a dummys encyclopedia on HOW TO…. in english)

  Tonight I’ll be sitting fireside with my new beau… and his instruction manual. 
 If only they ALL came with instructions.

 

It’s not over till it’s over

 I did the last minute fools rush yesterday..first to drop off presents to family that I won’t see before our Christmas Day party, then to a certain store for a few certain gifts, then to the grocery store for the remaining ingredients needed for the Big Day’s menu.   ( I never know exactly where to use apostrophes.. for those of you that I annoy with it, I apologize for my laziness.  Mom. ).   Everyone and their brother and  third cousin twice removed was there doing the same darn thing – the shopping, not the apostrophe abomination.

 Anyway.  I thought I was done. Everyone checked off the list. Everything put away, everything wrapped.  I even found the gift card I thought I lost, which was the best gift ever because I  was tired of trying to conceal the evidence of my negligence from the signifcant other.

 And then last night there was this new development.

Me:  “So, since you and (new guy) M are now officially dating,  did you get him something for Christmas other than the little friend gift you originally got, you know.. before you were dating?”

College girl:  “Noooo, and I probably should, huh. “

Me:  ” Ummm, probably. Just a something, nothing huge. ”

College girl:  ” And , Mom? He got YOU guys something.”

Me:  “WHAT?  Really??… he really didn’t have to do that.  Really shouldn’t have done that…. really?”.

College girl:  ” Yeah, really. Somthing nice.  And he made cookies for you. “

Me:  “MADE COOKIES FOR US?”.   …..

College girl:  ” OMG – I have to work tomorrow, I’m not going to have time to shop for him!?”

Me:  ” *sigh*   Well.  Ok … I guess I’ll head out one more time tomorrow and pick a little something up from us and from you. What does he like? Any sports teams?  Particular colors?”

College girl:   “I don’t really know yet.  Want me to ask  him?” 

Me:  “NO, don’t ask him.  What are you gonna say..  Hey, we’re doing a last minute after-thought shopping spree for you because this is the awkward moment when you’re brand new to the scene and it’s CHRISTMAS and you came on the scene  right at the last minute when we don’t really know you yet but you made cookies and are bearing gifts. Can you give us a hint so we can buy you a meaningful gift? “

Back to the stores I go.

And the dog has a fever this morning so I’ll probably be visiting the vet too.  Awesome.

Any suggestions?  This is what I know – male college student, medium build, tall-dark-polite-handsome.  Gives gifts immediately upon meeting you.

 This is an actual Light-Up Men’s Christmas Sweatshirt.  Whadayathink?

No, I did not buy it. Just.. can you just imagine? 🙂